Title: I Can't Tell Him 

Author: Andrea

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Everyone knows they're not mine, unless I happen
to be CC writing under a pseudonym.

Category: MSR, V, Scully POV

Spoilers: Not a one!

Notes: Ok everyone, I'm nervous about this one. Please let
me know what you think. Big thanks to Dan, Jemirah, Char
and Evielouise for beta reading and moral support.

Archiving: I'd be honoured, but I'd also like to know :)

Feedback: Is always welcome.  ardywyn@hotmail.com

Summary: Scully is keeping something from Mulder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't tell him. I know that I promised that I would, but I 
can't. It would change everything and I won't risk that. I can't
tell anyone. I can't even write it in my journal. All I can do is 
think about it. If he were to find out, he would be so 
disappointed with me. I can hear his voice--see the look on his 
face when he says, "You promised me,".

It's a small thing, really. Keeping it from him will only make
things better between us; of that I'm sure. 

It doesn't happen all of the time; only occasionally. It's not 
even his fault. I think it's more mine, which is another reason
that I don't want to tell him. He would feel responsible, 
regardless of what I said. It would crush him if he knew. I feel 
incredibly guilty for not telling him, but I won't change my 
mind.

Everything is so beautiful between us. Mulder treats me like a 
princess--a goddess even. I'm constantly astounded by how much
he loves me. How can I tell him? It would break his heart.

But not telling him is tearing me apart. I hate lying to him. 
I have come so close to confessing so many times, only to change 
my mind again. It wouldn't matter how I explained it, what spin 
I put on it. If I tried to make it seem like it was me and not 
him, he would not see it that way.

He would be angry; angry that I'd withheld it from him. He would
be hurt; hurt that I hadn't trusted him enough to tell him. But
mostly he would be devastated. 

The first time it happened, he asked me and I denied it. 

"Not at all," I lied.

"You'd tell me, right?" He'd cocked his head as he asked.

"Of course," I lied again.

"Promise?" he asked solemnly.

"I promise, Mulder." I looked straight into his eyes as I lied
for a third time. I convinced myself that it was a white lie--
they don't count.

Now when it happens and I say nothing, it's as good as
deceiving him again. I'm wracked with guilt each and every time. 
I was raised to be honest, no matter what. Despite my misgivings, 
I think it's worth my dishonesty to preserve what we have 
together. My father would be so ashamed of me. Ahab couldn't 
tolerate lying. He wouldn't understand that I was doing this 
because I love Mulder so much. I could never hurt Mulder, and 
this would be his undoing. If he even suspected, things would 
never be the same. Even though it didn't happen every time,
Mulder would never forgive himself if he knew that it had 
happened one time.

It's *my* damn body messing things up. I actually did tell one 
person; my doctor. I know *he* can't tell anyone. According to
him, it's perfectly normal and I should go ahead and tell
Mulder. Right! He obviously has no idea how Mulder would react.

So, I've kept it to myself. The majority of the time it is 
beautiful, glorious, and yes, earth-shattering. And it wouldn't 
just ruin everything for me; it would destroy things for him too.

If it's shallow not to want to give up mind-altering sex, then 
I'm shallow. It's more important to me than the soft words and 
the gentle touches. I don't care if that makes me a bad person--I 
can't change the way I feel. For something as trivial as this, I 
won't give up a vital part of our relationship.

I love the way Mulder loses control. His desire for me is a 
potent aphrodisiac. He would pull back, restrain himself if he
knew. I'm positive of that. So, he can never know that sometimes 
he is so overcome by his passion that he hurts me. He's only 
bumping into my cervix a little too hard. It's nothing 
horrendous--it happens so rarely, and the pain is fleeting. 
It's only the one position, at one point in my cycle. So, if I
avoid all fours right before my period, I won't need to lie to 
him again. I'll be able to keep it my little secret forever. 

end