Author: Andrea



Title: Perchance to Sleep



Rating: NC-17



Category: MSR, Mulder POV



Disclaimer: I wish...then there would be no ninth season,

never mind a semi-Mulderless eighth.



Archiving: I'd be honoured, but I'd also like to know.



Notes: Thanks go out to Dan and Aly for beta

reading. Thanks also to Denise, Sdani and Angela for support

and encouragement. There are no timelines in the vicinity of

this story.



Spoilers: none



Summary: We are the sum of many things.



Feedback: Yes Please! ardywyn@hotmail.com





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I wonder if she thought I hadn't noticed, because I had. A

trained investigator notices these things. Of course, I

couldn't say anything. I wasn't supposed to notice, or say out

loud that I'd noticed. But I had.



The conversion happened gradually. At first it was every once in

a while, then it was more often. But now it's every God-damned

day. I'm a mere mortal. How was I supposed to cope? I couldn't

say, "Scully, could you please stop wearing those shirts? The

ones you wear unbuttoned to your knees. I find it a little

distracting."



A little? Who was I trying to kid? Scully was leaning over my

desk, poring over some pictures I'd asked her to look at. And

what was I doing, gentleman that I am? I was looking down her

shirt and growing harder with each passing second.



Normally I'd only steal a glance; a quick peek. But something

had held my attention. Maybe it was the whiff of her perfume I'd

caught. Had she sprayed some into her cleavage? Maybe it was the

lacy black bra. Who was she wearing it for? Maybe it was the way

the tops of her breasts curved; practically begging to be

caressed. Who did she want to touch her that way?



As I was pondering the magnetic effect that her breasts seemed

to be having on me, a sound began to distract me. It wasn't until

I heard it for a third time, that I finally recognized it -- my

name. Scully was saying my name.



I was busted. I thought maybe I could pretend I'd just been

staring off into space. But as soon as I looked into her eyes, I

could tell there was no point in lying. What surprised me was

what I saw in that sparkling blueness. I'd expected to see anger.

But her eyes were smiling at me, softly.



"Did I interrupt you?" she was grinning at me.



"Sorry, Scully, I was...unh...um..."



"Looking down my shirt," she helped me along as she walked around

the desk.



I couldn't speak. The closer she got the tighter my throat

became. I was totally mesmerized by the way she was looking at

me. Her eyes no longer held amusement, it was something else.

It looked almost like lust, but I had to be wrong. My reserved

partner with lust in her eyes? Then again, I seem to recall the

way she'd eyed up a certain sheriff.



When she'd glided around to my side of the desk, her eyes having

never left mine, I knew I was in trouble. I was trapped. I wanted

to tell her to stop; that she didn't really want to do this. I

tried to say, "Stop, Scully, please. You have to stop." But all

that came out was a faint "Scully".



Paralyzed with fear, I couldn't run like I had in the past. She

was leaning toward me; only inches from my face. There was no

way out. She was saying something. The melodic quality of her

voice was almost soothing -- almost. My heart was pounding so

loudly in my ears that I could barely hear her, but I could

see her lips moving. Couldn't she see the terror in my eyes?

Couldn't she tell that I hadn't taken a breath in at least

two minutes?



When her lips were almost touching mine, she did it. She placed

her hand lightly on my thigh. That probably would have been

enough on its own, but she made matters worse by running her

hand slowly up my leg.



A part of me held on to the desperate hope that things might

be different with Scully, but they weren't. It was the same as

always. I could tell from the look in her eyes Scully knew

exactly what had happened. I couldn't tell if she was feeling 

disappointment, pity or disdain.



That look was enough to get me up onto my feet. After backing

away from her, I turned and bolted around my desk and out the

door. I could hear her calling my name, but I kept running.

I was taking the stairs two at a time to get as much distance

between us as I could. By the time I was at the top I could hear

her voice at the bottom of the stairs. I didn't turn back.







It was still dark when I jerked awake. I'd pulled into the

parking lot of this park shortly after dusk. Before that I'd

simply driven the streets; not going anywhere, trying not to

think. The only stop I'd made was to clean myself up as best

I could in a McDonald's restroom.



Checking my watch I discovered it was after 3. I must have slept

for a couple of hours. Deciding it was safe, I turned my phone on

and checked the history. Scully had been trying to call me every

half hour, but her attempts had stopped at 1:45. I'd barely

peeled out of the parking lot before my phone had started to

ring. I'd known without looking who was calling, so I'd reached

over and shut it off.



I know she would have tried to calm me down, I've heard all of

the platitudes before. There was nothing Scully could do for me.

I was a lost cause. It's not like I hadn't tried. I'd resigned

myself to the fact that I'd only be able to love women from afar.

And love Scully, I did. I'd fallen faster and harder for her than

I'd ever fallen before. I'd realized quickly that the best way

for me to love her was to appear to keep my distance emotionally.

It hadn't worked. My insistence that she call me Mulder was my

first attempt, but that had failed miserably. The sound of that

name on her lips had grown to mean more to me than my given name

had meant uttered by anyone else.



Each time she'd been taken away from me I'd resolved that if she

was given back to me, I'd tell her; tell her everything. Each and

every time I'd lost my nerve. I couldn't face not knowing how

she'd react. Being a doctor, I'd thought she would understand

and be compassionate, but I didn't want that reaction. I wanted

the reaction of Scully, the woman who loved me.



But she had gone and forced the issue. She knew. How was I going

to be able to face her? She'd say all the right things, that I

knew in my heart, but I did want to hear them. I wanted to hear

her complain; to say that I could never love her the way she

deserved to be loved. The way, I'm sure, other men had loved her;

the lucky ones.



Maybe she understood now; understood why I'd been so aloof for so

long. This would give her an excuse to move on; to shrug off the

pall that working with me had cast over her. If I hadn't been so

God damned selfish I would have let her leave ages ago; given her

good reason to leave. But I couldn't do it. I'd put my own wants

and needs above what was best for her. I'd known for a long time

that she'd wanted children and I'd known longer than she had that

she'd never be able to. Some despicable part of me had been

glad to learn that she was barren. Glad that I'd never have to

deal with the fact that I was keeping her from having a child.

Even though I felt responsible for everything that had happened

to her, having her think someone else had caused her

childlessness was better in my pathetic mind than having her

blame me.



How could she ever love someone like me? She had no idea who I

really was. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe her request for

transfer was already on Skinner's desk. I'd had to face other

women running from me; what was one more? I could go on. I always

had. No matter what happened, Fox Mulder would pick himself up and

keep going. One more woman turning her back on me would hardly be

a surprise, it was just that this one had been around so

long I'd let my guard down. How could I have let her get so

close?



There was no way I could change what had happened. It was

time to move forward. I wouldn't be able to make it to work

today, but tomorrow I'd start fresh, alone again; of that I

was positive. I wonder what Scully thought after she'd invested

so much time in me. What a waste! She was beautiful enough to

have any man she wanted. At least she was free to find her

happiness somewhere else now. I only hoped she'd given up on

trying to have a tearful goodbye. I'd lived that scene too many

times. I don't think I could face it again.



It had been a long time since I'd had to have that little talk

with myself. A long time since I'd let the walls crumble this

far, but it took no time at all to remember the words that formed

the bricks in my wall.



"I don't need a woman to be happy."



"I've always been happier on my own."



"I work best when I work alone."



"Women just cramp my style."



Now that the bricks were in place, I needed the mortar that held

them together. That mortar was resolve. By the time I'd reached

my apartment door, the mortar was in place. It was still fresh,

but it was there. My only fear was a final confrontation, but I'd

been through enough of those that I'd manage somehow.



When I opened my door it hit me. She'd been spending do much

time here that I could still smell her. How long would it take

for that final kick in the stomach to fade? It wouldn't be soon

enough. Clenching my jaw, I tried to ignore the burning sensation

in my eyes. Once I'd walked blindly to the bathroom, I got ready

to collapse into bed. I prayed that sleep would come quickly and

be free of dreams. It was at times like this I almost wished I'd

learned how to drown the pain like my father had.



After I'd finished I opened the bathroom door and immediately

caught my breath. Backlit from the eerie glow of my aquarium,

blocking the path to my bedroom, stood the cause of all of my

anguish.



"Where have you been? I was trying to call you," her voice was

muted.



"I'm not accountable to you." The harshness of my tone surprised

even me. She didn't move a muscle.



"We need to talk, Mulder," her tone was gentle and soothing.



"Go away, Scully. Leave me alone," I kept my replies terse. It

was the only way I could keep my emotions in check.



"I'm not going anywhere," she took a step toward me, making me

retreat into the bathroom. "Why can't we talk about this?"



"There's nothing to say," I shrugged.



"I have plenty to say, Mulder," she took another step in my

direction making the light from the bathroom illuminate her face.

I could see that she'd been crying.



"Save it, Scully," I snapped. "I've heard it all before."



"I doubt you've heard what I have to say." Despite all of my

efforts the softness of her voice was starting to wear down the

shaky barriers I'd so recently re-established.



"Oh, is Dr. Scully going to make it all better? What do you think

you can do that no one else could?" I tried to sound bitter, but

my voice cracked.



"I want to try," she'd reached the bathroom door, forcing me back

up against the wall.



"Spare me, Scully. I don't want to do this again. Why should I

get my hopes up when you're just going to leave me in the end?

I'd rather get it over with now." As I spoke I slowly slid down

the wall, landing in a crumpled heap on the floor.



"I already told you I'm not going anywhere, Mulder," she closed

the distance between us and knelt in front of me. "I'll stay

as long as you'll have me." Her voice was shaking. Then she put

her hands on my legs and tried to smile in spite of her trembling

lips.



"Don't touch me, Scully. Please don't touch me." I drew my knees

in even closer to my chest.



When she stood up I thought I'd finally succeeded in turning her

away. I was shocked when she closed the bathroom door and sat down

facing me.



"Okay, I'm not touching you," she held up her hands. "Can we talk

now?"



"What's the use?" I heaved a sigh. "It won't change anything."



"Mulder," she began in a slightly condescending tone, "as

embarrassing as this might be for you, premature ejaculation is

not an uncommon problem. And it's almost always temporary."



"Is that your professional opinion, Dr. Scully?" I retorted

sarcastically. "I thought you were here as my friend."



"I am here as your friend, and..." she hesitated, "more than

that, I thought."



"I thought you finally understood that I don't have anything

more to offer you," I met her eyes.



"Mulder," she smiled, shaking her head slightly, "I stayed with

you when we were only partners and friends, when most people

would have high-tailed it out of that basement. What makes you

think I'm going to leave now? We have a lot more to look

forward to."



"Like what, holding hands?" I snorted.



"And kissing and touching," she kept her voice modulated. "If

that's all you can give me, I'll be happy with that -- more than

happy."



"I've heard that before," I looked down at my hands. They were

clenched so tightly my knuckles were white.



"Not from me," she contradicted.



"And what makes you so different?"



"I'm me, Mulder. That makes all the difference."



I didn't answer her, I kept staring at my hands instead.



"Are we talking about Phoebe and Diana?" she prodded me gently.



I could only nod in response.



"Tell me about it, Mulder. I want to understand."



"I don't see what good it'll do, but if the gory details will

make you happy -- " I paused briefly hoping she might change her

mind, but she nodded at me encouragingly. "Well, there isn't

much to tell. Phoebe was my first. I'd been too shy around girls

to approach them in high school. Phoebe approached me. She said

she went for the moody American types. We both thought I was a

little over anxious the first time, but it never got much better.

I didn't understand; it wasn't like that when I --"



"Was Phoebe understanding?"



"Hardly," I actually laughed. "We dated quite a while before we

decided to become intimate. After I week of failed attempts to

have sex she dropped me like a hot potato."



"And Diana?"



"She really tried, Scully, I have to give her that. I'd avoided

women after Phoebe, but Diana pursued me. I tried to put her off

but she was relentless." I couldn't believe that I was telling

Scully all of this, but once I got going it all seemed to keep

spilling out. "I even told her about my problem, but she said it

didn't matter. She said she loved me regardless. When she finally

did leave, she said it had nothing to do with our sex life. She

said she had her career to think about. But I knew the truth."



"It never got any better?"



"Marginally, I guess, but never to the point where I could

satisfy her." We were quiet for a minute or so while Scully

digested what I'd told her.



"Can I asked you some blunt questions, Mulder?" she broke the

silence.



"Sure, you already know all of my dirty secrets."



"What does your doctor say?"



I'd never told my doctor. It meant one more humiliation and I

hadn't wanted to face it. She must have seen the answer to her

question in the expression on my face.



"Mulder, you should talk to your doctor."



"I don't see the point," I shook my head.



"Well, I gather from what you've said that you don't have this

problem when you masturbate."



I shook my head again. I wasn't comfortable discussing this

with her.



"Then it isn't organic, Mulder."



"What does that mean?" I asked even though I knew exactly what

she meant.



"It means you need counseling, that's all," she smiled brightly.



"That's all!" I laughed bitterly.



"Wouldn't it be worth it, if it means you could resolve this?"



"I don't think I could handle telling someone all of this." The

thought alone was making me nauseous.



"You told me," she pointed out.



"I love you, Scully and I trust you. What is some stranger going

to think?"



"That you are like a lot of other men. Men who have resolved

their problems and have normal sex lives now," she explained

rationally.



"Is that why you want me to go, so we can have sex?" My tone was

accusatory.



Before answering me, Scully took a long breath and looked

straight into my eyes. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to

have intercourse with you, Mulder, but we can make love in other

ways."



Hearing Scully say she still wanted to make love with me made

my heart skip a beat.



"That brings me to my last question, Mulder."



"What's that?" My eyes had never left hers.



"Couldn't you satisfy Phoebe and Diana in other ways?"



"I never got the chance to try with Phoebe and Diana seemed to be

determined to make intercourse work. Whenever I attempted

anything else she said no, like it was something I'd only be

entitled to if I managed to fuck her." The memory was making

me angry.



I was surprised to see a look of confusion flutter across

Scully's face, but it was gone quickly. I assumed she didn't

agree with Diana's thinking.



"You said you trusted me, right Mulder?"



"You know I do, Scully," I smiled as best I could.



"Then will you let me in? Will you give me a chance to love you?"



"You think therapy will help me?"



"I'm sure of it, Mulder."



"And if it doesn't?"



"I'll love you no matter what. I know you've heard that before,

Mulder, but you also know that I would never say something like

that lightly."



"I know, Scully and I want to believe you."



"What will it take to convince you?"



"I guess I can either trust you or we can say goodbye." The

finality of my words sent a chill through me.



"What does your heart say, Mulder?" As she spoke I could see

tears welling up in her eyes.



"It wants to let you in," my voice cracked.



"And your head? What does your head tell you?" Her voice was

quivering.



"Something stupid like it's better to have loved and lost, but

I'm trying to shut it up."



Scully choked out a laugh at my joke.



"Is it really better, Scully?"



"I think my opinion would be somewhat biased, Mulder. I already

think I'm better for loving you. I can't imagine how much better

it might get if you accepted what I'm offering." I couldn't

believe that Scully was practically begging me, considering

what she knew about me.



"I think I would be better too, no matter how much it would

hurt me if you left me," I confessed.



"I'm not leaving, Mulder. I thought I'd made that clear," she

stuck her chin out defiantly.



"Okay," I consented haltingly.



"Okay?" Laughter bubbled up out of her throat. "I never thought

I'd so happy about such an unenthusiastic start to a relationship,

Mulder. But --," the tone of her voice scared me momentarily.

"I'm not going to let you off as easily as Diana did."



"What do you mean?" My pulse quickened as she stood up and

began to walk toward me.



"Let me see your hands," she instructed and I held them out to

her. "And your tongue?" she smiled.



I opened my mouth and said "Ahh,".



"They all seem to be in working order," she grinned slyly. "I

expect you to use them."



Her words and tone were giving me another erection. I shifted

around uncomfortably.



"Why don't you take a shower?" she suggested gently.



"A cold one?"



"I think you'd find a warm one more relaxing," she chuckled and

turned to start the water.



When she turned back I was still sitting on the floor.



"Well?" she had a puzzled expression on her face.



"Aren't you leaving?"



"I wasn't planning to," she smiled.



"I don't think I can --"



"Mulder, I've seen you naked before," she rolled her eyes.



"Please, Scully," I whispered.



"Fine," she sighed and turned to face the door.



Stripping quickly, I stepped into the tub. The hot water

streaming over my body felt good and I did relax a little, but I

couldn't help thinking about her being just on the other side of

the shower curtain. Most of me was overjoyed that Scully still

wanted me, but there was a small, nagging part of me that was

sure she wouldn't be around for long.



"How are you doing in there, Mulder?" her voice startled me.



"Umm, fine..."



"Can I ask you another question?" Her tone was low and melodic,

like it had been in the office. That tone was enough to heat up

my blood.



"Sure," I tried to sound nonchalant.



"When you masturbate, do you think about me?"



"Wha..what?"



"I think about you, Mulder, when I'm alone in my bed or some

motel bed. I think about how it would feel if it was your hands

touching me instead of my own. When I'm soaking in the tub, I

think about how your mouth would feel on my breasts, your lips

teasing my nipples."



Scully's breathless confession practically made my blood start

to boil and my erection was back full force.



"So?" she asked through the curtain.



"So what?"



"Do you think about me?" she pulled the curtain back a little to

look at me.



My initial reaction was to ask her to stop, to leave me alone

while I showered, but when I saw the look on her face I changed

my mind. Her eyes ran along my body, pausing briefly somewhere

in my midsection.



"You are very beautiful, Mulder," she sighed, finally looking me

in the eye.



"Right!" I snorted.



"You are, Mulder, you must know that. You keep yourself in good

shape. You know how women look at you," her eyes had darkened

considerably.



"If they only knew," I chuckled sardonically.



"I'm sure most of them would give their right arms for a chance

to do what I'm doing now," she grinned mischievously. "And you

still haven't answered my question."



"Yes, Scully, I think about you," I admitted, not meeting her

eyes.



"What do you think about?" her voice was breathy.



"Scully!" I was sure I couldn't tell her.



"Do you think about how my lips might taste?" she ran her tongue

over her top lip.



I nodded; my hand was twitching by my side with wanting to

touch myself.



"Do your lips move to my throat to taste me there?" I could see

fire dancing in her blue eyes.



"Yes," I exhaled slowly.



"Show me, Mulder. Show me how you touch yourself."



I hesitated. It was something no one else had ever seen me do.

Letting Scully witness this would be opening up a part of me that

I'd kept hidden for a long time.



"Do you ever imagine that it's my hand touching you?"



"Always, Scully, I always wish it was your hand," I groaned.



"Please, Mulder, show me."



I couldn't hold back any longer. As soon as I touched myself I

knew it wasn't going to take long; Scully's presence and words

had brought me almost to the brink. My eyes drifted closed as I

began to stroke myself. For once I didn't have to imagine that

Scully was here, she really was. It wasn't until water began to

fill my mouth did I realize that I'd leaned my head back and had

my mouth open. I was too close to care.



"So beautiful," I heard Scully sigh right before I felt my orgasm

begin to swell.



When I opened my eyes I found that Scully hadn't moved. Her

eyes were still dark and her face and hair had grown a little

damp from the spray of the shower.



"Come to bed," her voice was soft.



I nodded and turned the water off. She handed me a towel and

waited while I dried off. When I stepped out of the tub she took

my hand and led me to the bedroom. After I was settled under the

covers I watched in silent awe as she began to undress.



She wasn't shy; she didn't hide herself from me. It took me a

minute to realize that she was deliberately moving very slowly.

She wanted me to watch her. She wanted me to enjoy looking at her

and I did; very much. I knew what she looked like naked, but I'd

never seen her this way at her request. When her bra fell away

from her breasts and I saw her pink nipples standing out, I

wanted to touch them. I wanted to run my thumb over their

tautness and draw each perfect peak into my mouth to taste their

sweetness.



I continued to stare at her breasts as they swayed when she bent

to push off her jeans. When she was finally naked, she climbed

into bed beside me.



"May I touch you?" the uncertainty in her voice made my heart

ache. No other woman had ever been so considerate of my feelings.



"Please," I whispered. "I want to touch you, too."



"Okay, but me first," she grinned.



When she slid closer to me I could feel the heat radiating off of

her body, but she wasn't touching me yet. I watched as her face

approached mine. She was going to kiss me. When our lips met my

heart began to pound furiously. The way she was leaning made her

breasts brush against me and I could feel how hard her nipples

were. Her tongue darted out and pushed into my mouth. I opened

my mouth and caressed her tongue with mine. She groaned and

leaned closer, pressing her breasts firmly against my ribs.

Behind the hardness of her nipples I could feel the softness of

her breasts. I couldn't remember ever feeling that before.



I'd kissed two naked women before, why had I never felt that? It

was then that it struck me. I knew what Scully was doing; what

she had done. Before I could stop myself, I was crying.



"What, Mulder? What's wrong?" Scully's eyes were full of sorrow.



"Nothing, Scully, everything is so right. Thank you," my voice

was strangled.



"You're welcome," she brushed a tear off my cheek, "but I'm not

sure what for."



"For taking the pressure off me, Scully, for allowing me to

enjoy this; enjoy you."



"I love you, Mulder and I want to show you that. I want you to

enjoy our kisses. I want to touch you and all I expect from you

in return is that you get some pleasure from it. I know I will,"

she grinned slyly at me again.



This time when she leaned in to kiss me I let one hand cradle

her head and the other rested lightly on her arm. She kissed me

softly, her lips slightly tugging mine. Then she slowly kissed

her way to my jaw and began to nip at my neck, making me groan

softly.



"Do you like that?" she asked softly, her breath tickling my ear.



"Yes," I answered, somewhat dazed.



"How about this?" she asked before drawing my earlobe into her

mouth.



"Yeah," I breathed.



"Hmm," she hummed against my ear, creating a vibration I felt at

the tips of my toes.



After kissing and nibbling my ears she moved to my shoulder. There

she nipped at my muscles while her right hand was wandering over

my chest. My hands were over my head in joyous resignation.



"Mmm," I sighed contentedly.



"Do you like the way I'm kissing you or what I'm doing with my

hand?"



"Mmm, yes," I breathed.



"So hard to please," she chuckled before her lips closed over

my left nipple. I gasped when she ran her fingernails up my right

side.



"Good?" she sounded worried.



"Oh, yeah," I assured her.



"You'll let me know if anything bothers you, won't you?" she

looked up at me. "I want you to feel safe, Mulder. You're in

control here, you can stop me whenever you want." Her hand was

still lightly caressing my stomach.



"I don't want you to stop, Scully, this feels so good. I've never

felt like this before. Ever since Phoebe, sex has been a chore for

me. You're making it peaceful; serene and sexy. I've never been

able to just relax and enjoy being touched like this," I tried to

smile at her, but my lips were trembling.



"I know, Mulder, but you have to promise to stop me if I do

something you don't like."



"I will," I nodded, but I found it difficult to think of anything

she might do that I wouldn't thoroughly enjoy.



When her lips next made contact, they were just slightly north

of my belly button. My toes curled when she dipped her hot tongue

into my navel. Her attentions were making my head spin. My blood

was racing, my heart was pounding, and I could barely breathe.

I'd never felt better in my life.



Then she began to move again, in a southerly direction and I

immediately began to worry about what she had in mind. Although I

was loving everything she was doing, there was no way she'd be

able to get a rise out of me.



As she gently took me into her hand, she looked up at me again.



"I won't do this if you don't want me to."



"Well, I, uh...it feels good, but I'm not gonna be --"



"I'm not expecting anything, Mulder. You just came, after all. I

didn't think you were superhuman. I did think now would me a good

time for me to get a little more familiar with you," she smiled

suggestively at me.



"It makes me shiver when you smile at me like that," I took a

shaky breath.



"Then I'll keep doing it," she grinned again before lowering her

lips to my cock.



I shut my eyes as her tongue began to swirl over me. It felt

fantastic. Her mouth was so hot and she was being so gentle, like

she was afraid I might break. As she continued to caress my penis

with her lips, I felt her begin to softly cradle my testicles.

In spite of the fact that I'd just ejaculated, my balls began to

tingle in a vain attempt to stimulate another erection.



Scully's lips replaced her hand on my testicle. Moving from one

to the other, she kissed and caressed me tenderly. As if a light

went on, an urge began to overtake me. My mind was overwhelmed

with the desire to taste Scully. She was having all the fun. I

wanted a turn.



"Scully," I whispered.



"Mmm hmm?" she barely lifted her mouth from my inner thigh.



"Could you stop please?"



"You don't like it?" the disappointment in her voice made my

throat tighten.



"I love it, Scully. I can't explain it, but I love it so much

that I want you to stop so I can do the same for you," I

tried to express what I was feeling.



"I understand completely," her eyes darkened and her voice had

taken on a smoky quality.



"Lay down," I said in a commanding voice that I'd never used in

the bedroom before.



Keeping her eyes fixed on mine, Scully slowly crept out from

between my legs and followed my instructions. Although I'd wanted

to be as gentle with Scully as she'd been with me, it didn't work

out that way. I found that as soon as I began to kiss her, I was

devouring her. My hand was squeezing her breasts and I began to

bite her neck and shoulder. When her hips came off the bed and

she moaned, I froze.



"Am I being too rough?"



"Rough?" she chuckled huskily. "It feels great. Don't stop."



My lips replaced my hand on her breast and I slipped my hand

between her legs. My heart began to pound furiously again when I

discovered how wet she was. After slipping two fingers into her,

my thumb easily found her already swollen clit. As soon as I

began to trace circles around her erect flesh, her hips came

off the bed again.



"Harder," she grunted.



I didn't know if she meant the way I was biting her nipple,

moving my fingers, or the pressure I was putting on her clitoris,

so I increased all three.



The scream that left her throat terrified me. I was sure I'd made

the wrong choice, but then I felt her vaginal muscles rippling

around my fingers and her clit pulsing under my thumb. Her nipple

fell from my mouth when my jaw dropped in surprise. I watched in

awe as her body twitched and shook. That wasn't the way the girls

in the movies looked when they came.



When her body finally stilled, I lowered my lips to her breast

again.



"No!" she squealed.



"What?" I stopped immediately.



"I'm too sensitive," she panted.



"Too sensitive for this?" I lapped at her nipple.



"Mulder!" she squealed again and scrambled up the bed away from

me, making my hand slide out of her.



"So I can't touch you after you come?"



"You can touch me firmly, and it only lasts for a few minutes.

It's like all of my nerve endings are hypersensitive," she

was taking long slow breaths.



"Is that a good thing?"



"Mmm hmm," she smiled drowsily. "And then I get sleepy."



"I think we both could use some sleep," I nodded toward the

window. The sun was already brightening the morning sky. "But

what about work?"



"I already told Skinner we wouldn't be in," her eyes were already

fluttering shut.



"When?" I laughed.



"Before you got home; I left him a message."



Before I'd had a chance to pull her close to me, her eyes had

closed and her breathing had changed. I took a chance and spooned

up to her anyway. I knew I'd made the right decision when she

wiggled her bottom against me. I should have trusted Scully a long

time ago to be able to make me happy. I still didn't believe that

we would ever be able to have a normal sexual relationship, but

if she could be happy with what we'd just shared, I'd be

ecstatic. Part of me wanted to stay like this forever, with my

body pressed against her and my nose buried in her perfumed hair.

I doubted life could get any better.





Both Scully and I must have slept the sleep of the dead; we woke

in exactly the same position in which we'd fallen asleep. From the

light in my room, I was guessing it was early afternoon. When I

shifted slightly, Scully stirred and scooted her bottom closer to

me. I groaned when her soft, warm skin made contact with my

erection.



"You like that?" she chuckled and wiggled back against me again.



"It's too much, Scully," I began to panic and backed away from

her.



"I'm sorry," she sat up quickly.



It was happening all over again; that sick feeling in the pit

of my stomach. I felt like I was trapped. Even though I knew

Scully understood, I didn't want it to be like this.



"Stop, Mulder," I'd started to leave the bed. "Please don't

run. You're safe with me. Just take some deep breaths."



I stayed where I was and began to breathe like she'd instructed.

This morning had felt so beautiful, but my old fears had returned

with a vengeance.



"Remember, you're in control here, Mulder, but can I make a

suggestion?"



I was leaning against the headboard with my eyes shut. I nodded

my permission.



"I'd like to handle this the way we did earlier. I want to take

the pressure off you so you can enjoy it when I touch you. Okay?"



"Okay," I agreed, recalling how wonderful it had felt when she

touched me.



"What do you want to do?" she wasn't moving.



"Umm --" I hesitated. I wasn't sure if she'd agree to what I

wanted.



"I'll do whatever you want," she encouraged me.



I didn't say anything. I didn't know how ask.



"Do you want to be alone?" her voice was quiet.



"No," I shook my head.



"Whew," she chuckled, making me relax a little. "Do you want to do

what you did in the shower? Do you want me to watch?"



"No, I want you to be touching me," the words spilled out of my

mouth quickly.



Almost all of the tension drained out of me when a smile lit up

her face.



"I'd love to!"



"I'll still --, it won't --" I sputtered.



"I know, Mulder," her voice was gentle. "It's all right."



I took a shaky breath, but she kept talking.



"Do you want me to use my hand?"



Her eyes grew dark when I shook my head slightly. We spoke no

more words. Scully moved slowly toward me. Without using her

hands, she took my cock into her mouth. My orgasm started to

surge immediately. I was surprised when she clamped her thumb

and forefinger around the base of my shaft. The swell of my

climax abated enough for her to be able to swirl her tongue a

couple of times and bob her head a few times, but then I

practically exploded.



The humming sound that Scully made as I throbbed into her mouth

made me shudder. I shut my eyes and stroked her hair as she

continued to caress me with her mouth. When her tongue flicked

over my head, I shuddered.



"Sensitive?" she giggled after she gently released my cock.



"I guess I deserved that," I chuckled.



"You did," she grinned. "Now lay down, I'm not done with you yet."



"Nope, you first this time," I grinned.



We spent a long time in the afternoon sunshine exploring each

other's bodies. I got to watch in delight once again as Scully's

body quaked as a result of my touch. In the course of her

investigation she had reached the backs of my knees and was

discovering how sensitive they were when my stomach rumbled

loudly.



Deciding we could probably use some nourishment, Scully said she

would make us something to eat. Ignoring my warnings that

she wouldn't find anything edible in my kitchen, she began to

rummage around my cupboards and root through my fridge. After

about five minutes she walked into the living room with a shocked

look on her face.



"Mulder, you have no food."



"I think I already said that, Scully."



"I know, but I thought you might have eggs and cheese or

something," she was quietly amazed.



"What can I say?" I shrugged.



"I guess we'll have to get dressed and go out."



"I just called a deli that delivers; bagels, coffee and some

stuff to make sandwiches for later," I smiled.



"Okay, but tomorrow we're buying some food," she said decisively.



"Or we could go to your place," I suggested.



"Do you have an aversion to having food in your cupboards,

Mulder?" she suppressed a smile.



"No, but I do have an affinity for your apartment. I feel

comfortable there."



"I'm glad," she smiled. "As long as you're comfortable, it's

fine with me."



In half an hour we were sitting on the couch with our coffee and

bagels spread out in front of us on the coffee table. Scully ate

the first half of her bagel as if she hadn't seen food in over a

week.



"Hungry?" I asked as she licked her fingers.



"A little," she replied coyly and picked up the last half of her

bagel.



"I was wondering, Scully," I paused to take a sip of my coffee.

"Do you have any opinions about what might be the cause of my

problem?" I was fairly sure that I knew what she thought it was,

but I wanted to hear her say it.



"I do," she nodded when she'd swallowed.



"And?" I prompted.



"It would just be my opinion, Mulder."



"I realize that, Scully. I'd still like to hear what you think."



"I don't think it's my place, Mulder. I'm too close to you to

offer an unbiased opinion. And it's not really my area of

expertise," she hedged.



"I'll take it with a grain of salt," I promised.



"What if I'm wrong? I'd end up doing more harm than good," she

argued.



"Scully, you've done more good for me in 12 hours than anyone

has managed in 20 years. What harm could you possibly do?"



"What if you don't like what I think?" she picked some poppy

seeds off of her lap and brushed them onto a napkin.



"It's just your opinion, Scully. I've never let your opinions

sway me before," I grinned at her.



"That's true," she chuckled. "You always ask and then ignore

everything I say."



"I don't ignore everything you say. I always take what you say

into consideration, but I weigh it against other factors," I

tried to explain.



"So you really want to know what I think?" her eyes were wide.



"I do," I nodded.



"And you promise not to hate me."



"Cross my heart," I smiled.



"Okay..." she took a deep breath. "I think this all goes back to

your sister's abduction."



"You do?" I couldn't have been more surprised.



She nodded before she continued, "You were just entering puberty

when she was taken. Your parents had left you in charge and what

happened?"



"I let them down," I hung my head.



"You didn't let them down, Mulder, you were a child. There was

nothing you could have done. There was nothing an adult could

have done. I know you felt and still feel like you failed your

sister and your parents."



I nodded, tears burning in my eyes.



"Your mother encouraged you to feel that way because it was

easier for her. It was easier to blame the child who remained

with her than to have the courage to take responsibility for

what happened. Instead of trying to help you cope with the loss

of your sister, she blamed you for it. Your father was no better.

Instead of defending you, he ignored you, pretended it hadn't

happened. It was easier than dealing with his shattered family.

He was your role model for manhood. 'Lie very quietly and hope

it will all go away'." The venom in Scully's voice startled me.



"But I didn't lie quietly, Scully."



"I know, Mulder. Despite all of that you took it upon yourself

to try to find your sister, with no support from your parents.

Until, of course, they'd thought you had found her. Then they

were thrilled. And what did they do when it wasn't true? They

climbed back into their little shells and ignored what you were

going through."



"It's true, Scully, my family was completely fucked up. But I

don't see the connection."



"You were just entering puberty," she repeated, "And a horrible

thing happened to you. You lost your sister. In your mind you let

her down. Your mother perpetuated that. She also made it clear

that you'd let her down as well. And your father never stood up

for you. So when it came to dealing with women later in life, I

think some part of your subconscious decided to let them down

before they got attached to you, or you got attached to them. It

didn't really work with Diana, but that's what I think you've

been doing -- trying to protect yourself from feeling like you're

letting someone you love down," she took a long shaky breath.



When she reached for her coffee, I could see her fingers

trembling. I was surprised when she jerked her hand back quickly

and brought it to her face. Before she had a chance to wipe it

away, I saw a tear glittering on her cheek.



"Scully, I didn't mean to upset you," I whispered and reached up

to brush another tear from her face with my thumb.



"I'm sorry," her voice was choked.



"Sorry? Why?" I put my arm around her shoulder and gave her a

squeeze.



"I should be comforting you," she chuckled and sniffled at the

same time.



"I'm fine for the time being, but when what you said begins to

sink in, I'm sure I'll need my share of comforting," I tried to

console her.



She leaned against me and I took the opportunity to pull her

onto my lap. "It makes me so damn angry," she stiffened in my

arms. "I hate them, Mulder. I know they were your parents, but

I hate them for what they did to you."



We stayed that way on the couch for a long time, simply holding

each other. It gave me some time to think about what she'd said.

I'd been so sure she was going to say that my problem had all

been Phoebe's fault. That's what I had always thought, that's

what Diana had believed. So much of the rest of my life revolved

around my sister's abduction that I was amazed that I'd never

connected the two things before. Maybe I hadn't been ready until

now to deal with the issue.



Even without talking to a therapist, I was sure Scully was right.

I hoped it would just be a matter of time until I could make love

to her the way I wanted. She said it didn't matter to her, but it

mattered to me. She deserved to be loved properly and thoroughly.





As twilight began to fill the living room, we decided that we

should go Scully's for the night. She needed clothes for work

in the morning and she actually had food. She said we could make

lunches from the deli meats I'd ordered in. We went in separate

cars, realizing that although what we were doing wasn't against

any Bureau policies, we also didn't want to be fodder for the

office rumor mill. We'd been down that road often enough as it

was.



Once we were settled at Scully's for the night, I noticed that

she'd become quiet. Immediately I began to fear that she'd

decided that she'd made a mistake and this relationship wasn't

worth all of the trouble. We were on the couch and we'd started

to watch TV, but I could tell she was lost in thought.



"I could spend the night at home, if you like," I blurted out

all of a sudden.



"What? I thought you wanted to spend the night here," she looked

at me in confusion.



"I do, but I thought you might have changed your mind," I shrugged.



"Why would I have changed my mind?" she furrowed her brow.



"I dunno, maybe this is more hassle than you want to deal with."



"Oh, Mulder, what makes you say that? You're no more hassle than

you usually are," she grinned at me.



"It's just that you got so quiet," I tried to explain.



"Oh, was I that obvious?" she grimaced.



"So what's wrong?"



"Nothing's wrong, I was just thinking," she gave her head a

little shake.



"About what?" I prodded.



"Oh nothing important," she waved it off.



"From the amount of time you've been giving it and how quiet

you were, it seemed pretty important to me, so spill."



"I really shouldn't, Mulder. I was being selfish, that's why I

didn't want to bring it up."



"Well now you have to tell me because you've piqued my curiosity."



"After everything you've been through, Mulder, it just seems so

petty. I'd rather drop it," she was pleading with her eyes.



"Do you think the best way to bolster a fledgling relationship is

to keep secrets from each other?" I challenged her.



"Of course not," she sighed, "but after you hear what I've been

thinking, there might not be a relationship anymore."



"It's not like you to be melodramatic, Scully. Whatever it is, it

can't be that bad," I reached for her hand. I was surprised to

find it icy.



"It's not really important, I just started thinking when I was

driving over here."



"Thinking about what?" I was beginning to get worried.



"About us making love," she looked away from me.



"What we've been doing isn't enough for you, is it?" I felt

like I'd been kicked in the stomach.



"I love every second of what we've done together, Mulder, but

-- you want me to honest, right?"



Not being able to speak through my constricted throat, I nodded

my affirmation.



"I was thinking about what it would feel like to have you inside

of me," her confession was barely audible.



Heat flooded through me at her words and I let out the breath I'd

been holding. "Is that all, Scully? What is so horrible about

that?"



Her eyes grew wide when she saw the smile on my lips. "I didn't

want to put any pressure on you."



"If all you want is for me to be inside of you, I can do that,"

I grinned.



A smile began to spread across her face and her eyes started to

sparkle. "I was thinking," she spoke quickly, "that we could do

something like we did earlier but before you lose your erection

I could -- well --"



"Get on board?" I chuckled.



"Yeah," she grinned. "Would that be okay?"



"No, I don't want to do that," I told her flatly.



"Okay," her smile faded into a look of hurt and confusion.



"But," I paused for a second, "I would like it if you climbed

on at the beginning."



"Mulder!" she pulled her hand out of mine and swatted my arm,

hard.



"I have another idea, too," I smiled broadly.



"Maybe I don't want to do anything now," she tossed her head.



"Maybe I could convince you," I waggled my eyebrows at her.



"Maybe," her tone was haughty.



"I could start by kissing you," I leaned toward her and smiled

inwardly when her eyelids fluttered closed.



Her lips parted when my tongue sought entrance. I pulled back

slightly and slid my hand under her shirt. "And then I could

squeeze and caress your breasts."



"Sounds okay, so far," she tried to sound aloof, but her breathy

voice betrayed her.



As I gave her breasts the attention I'd promised I dropped my

lips to her neck and began to nibble. "I'd like to take your

pants off," I told her in between nips. "Test my linguistic

talent."



"I already know you're very talented in that department. But feel

free to practice," she began to unbutton her jeans.



"Have I managed to convince you?" I grinned as I helped her

slide her jeans off.



"I'll let you know in about five minutes," her voice had taken

on a husky quality again.



"Deal," I winked as I got to the floor.



When I lifted her legs and put them over my shoulders she groaned

and closed her eyes again. Slipping my hands under her bottom, I

pulled her closer to the edge of the couch. Some primitive part of

my male ego was immensely satisfied to see that Scully was already

very wet.



I started slowly, gently kissing her thighs. From the way she was

humming, I gathered she was enjoying it. When I ran a finger

lightly over her lip she shuddered violently. It was all I could

do not to slide two fingers into her and make her come quickly.

She didn't realize it, but that wasn't my goal. After taking a

deep breath and regaining my composure, I began to leisurely run

my tongue over her. Each time I passed her clit I gave it a quick

flick, but I never lingered. Instead of putting my fingers deep

inside, I only teased the soft skin around her opening.



Soon Scully's bottom was wriggling frantically on the couch. I

wasn't sure how close she was, but I was going to take chances.

When I stood up her eyes flew open.



"Now," I said, quickly removing my pants.



"But I --"



"I thought it would be better if we could come together, or

thereabouts," I sat down on the couch.



"Mulder, I think you misunderstood what I wanted," her voice

was gentle. "I wasn't expecting an orgasm from this. To be

honest, I can have an orgasm whenever I want one. It's not that

I don't appreciate the company," she grinned, "but what I was

missing was that intimate contact that only lovers share. For me,

the climax is secondary."



"And it's okay that the contact won't last long," I began to

worry that I might be around long enough for her.



"I was willing to try after you'd ejaculated, remember? I want

to feel you inside of me. Knowing that it's you will be enough for

me. Duration we can work on," she'd shifted herself closer to me.



"But I wanted to be inside of you when you came," I explained.



"I think that can arranged, even if we don't peak at same time,"

she lowered her voice.



"I should last a bit longer than I have," I tried to encourage

her. "We did have sex a couple of times already."



"Either way, I just want you inside of me," she moved to straddle

me.



When she began to lower herself onto me I drew a sharp breath. It

was a wonder that any man had been able to last more than a couple

of seconds; she was so hot and tight. I was quickly becoming

overwhelmed be the sensation of being inside of her. Her voice

stirred me out of reverie.



"Breathe, Mulder," her voice was raspy. "Breathe, Dana."



My eyes snapped open at her words. Could it possibly feel as

fantastic to her? Her hands were on my shoulders and her head was

thrown back. When I looked down and saw my cock disappearing into

her my head started swim.



"God, it feels so good," she panted.



Suddenly the need to make her come became paramount in my mind.

Moving one hand from her hip, I slipped it between us. Using my

thumb I easily found her engorged clit. As she began to move up

and down above me, I concentrated on stroking her. Her movements

became less graceful and her fingernails were digging into me.



"Yes," she groaned and I felt her body tighten. "Yes, Mulder!"

she almost shouted and her clit began to pulse under my thumb.

When her vaginal muscles rippled around my cock, I was lost;

lost in a wave of pleasure like I'd never felt before. Her

muscles were tugging and my cock was throbbing and I thought

it would never end.



My body was still trembling when I felt Scully collapse against

me. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around her, because I know I

wasn't capable of rational thought.



"Wow," Scully sighed. "You were right, Mulder. It did feel good

to come together."



"But you were right too, Scully. Being inside of you would have

been enough. It shouldn't be about the climax, it should be about

the closeness."



"Mmm," she snuggled against me. "You felt even better than I

dreamed you would."



"You're going to fall asleep on me again, aren't you?" I

chuckled.



"Maybe," she yawned.



"I could get used to this you know," I hugged her a little

tighter.



"I always fall asleep on you," she pointed out drowsily.



"Not like this, you haven't," I sighed. "I want you to know,

Scully, that I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you fall

asleep like this for the rest of our lives."



"Sleep," she nodded against my chest.



As Scully's breathing slowly began to change I realized I'd

reached a turning point. For the first time in my life I'd been

more concerned about pleasing a woman than I had been about what

was happening with my body. My concern had always been about my

performance as opposed to my orgasm. When Scully took that

pressure away, I could finally think about something else. That

in itself I think had allowed me to last a little longer.



I wasn't sure if Scully's diagnosis was accurate, but I'm sure

my dysfunctional family had contributed. I think if Scully had

been my first and had been this patient and loving, everything

would have worked out, but my first experience had been

disastrous. Over time everything in my life had compounded to

create one totally fucked up man. With Scully's love, the

counsel of a good therapist and some time, I was sure we were

going to be able to untangle the rat's nest that was my psyche.



please send feedback to ardywyn@hotmail.com