...all MSR all the time..
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Chapter 2
"God, Scully," I pulled her into my arms and held her tightly as she sobbed. I had no idea what to say to her. Nothing I could say would ease her grief. My own eyes were beginning to burn, my throat constricting. "I want to make it better, Scully, but I don't know how."
"No one can make it better," she drew a shuddering breath as I caressed her back. "But I keep thinking that if I'd held out a little longer, you'd have been back and then maybe..."
"And then what? We'd have him with us now? Scully, we can hardly be sure of our own safety, how could we protect him?" I ran one finger over the turquoise beads circling her throat. "He's safer where he is. It's better that we don't know, you know that in your heart."
"Not in my heart," she shook her head against my chest. "My heart is breaking, Mulder. I know in my head that this is for the best, but my heart will never accept it."
"What can I do, Scully?"
"Grieve with me, Mulder." She began to cry again.
"I am, with you and for you." I stroked her hair.
"I'm sorry, Mulder." She tried to swallow her tears.
"It's okay, Scully, you need to do this," I kissed the top of her head.
"It's not that," she said as she pulled back. "I'm being so selfish." She swiped at her cheeks. "It's still so new for you."
"I can convince myself that he's safe, Scully. Somehow that makes it easier for me. I don't doubt your decision for a second," I reached out to try to brush away her fresh tears. In my heart I held out hope that some day when it was safe, we could find William again, but I said nothing out loud. I wasn't sure that day would ever come and I didn't want to give Scully false hope.
"Knowing that he's safe is the only thing that takes the edge off the pain. That and having you back are the only things that keep me going, Mulder," she settled back against my chest.
I continued to stroke her hair until her breathing slowed. I'd come very close to confessing how responsible I felt for what had happened. If I'd been there, instead of off trying to save the world, maybe Scully wouldn't have felt helpless to protect our son. On the other hand, maybe if I'd been there he would have been in even more danger. Sharing those doubts with Scully wouldn't give her any peace. I wasn't sure what would. Until our lives were stable, I was convinced that William was safer where he was.
When I woke the next morning sunlight was filtering into the room through gaps in the curtains. Scully was lying on her side facing me, still sound asleep. The peaceful expression on her face was a sharp contrast to what I'd seen the night before. Looking more closely, I saw fine lines at the corners of her eyes, between her carefully shaped eyebrows and still more at the corners of her mouth. I couldn't help wondering how many of them I'd been responsible for. Her face had been so bright and fresh when she'd walked into my office nine years ago. Every line on her face probably had a story to go with it, like the many scars that peppered her body. I hoped that at least a few of those lines had been etched from laughter.
I wanted to kiss her; to kiss away any worries she had, but I didn't have the heart to wake her. She had confessed to me that she hadn't been sleeping well since I left. If the only thing my presence could do was grant her a little rest, it would be enough for me, knowing I could give her something.
I would have been content to lay there and watch her sleep, but before long my stomach began to complain so loudly that I was afraid it might wake her. The last food we'd had was at the diner in Deming. The motel had a small restaurant attached to it, so I decided to see what they offered for breakfast. Using the stationary provided by the motel, I left Scully a note to tell her where I'd gone.
When I stepped outside, I was surprised to find it already very warm. It was only May; I couldn't imagine what August must be like. The breakfast menu in the restaurant turned out to be quite extensive. In fact, it seemed they only served breakfast. There were a few other things like chili and burgers, but for the most part it featured variations of eggs, high-fat meats and pancakes.
I explained to the waitress that I was staying at the motel and wanted to take breakfast back to my wife. She smiled, sighed, and told me I was a sweetheart. She agreed to my request as long as I promised to bring the dishes back. Fifteen minutes later I was walking back to our room with omelets, bacon, toast and juice. I had to hold the tray carefully while I opened the door, but I managed to do it without spilling a drop.
When I stepped inside I found the bed empty and the bathroom door closed. I hoped Scully hadn't been frightened when she woke up and I wasn't there. I'd barely set the tray down on the dresser when the bathroom door opened.
"Something smells good." She smiled at me. She'd slept in the nude, but now she was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of panties. Somehow that seemed sexier than seeing her naked. I kept those thoughts to myself.
"Breakfast," I nodded.
"Good, I'm starving." She climbed onto the bed and sat down cross-legged.
"I wasn't sure what you'd want," I told her as I handed a plate to her.
"It looks good," she smiled up at me. "Thank you."
"No problem," I brought my plate over so I could sit close to her.
We said nothing more as we ate our food. I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't know if talking about William would upset her or if she needed to discuss it more.
"It's okay, Mulder." She must have read my thoughts. "I'm okay."
"Do you want to talk some more?" I asked when I'd swallowed a bite of toast.
"Not right now, but I will. I have good days and bad days. On good days I can actually smile remembering things that William used to do," her voice was steady, but there was still a sadness in her eyes.
"Yesterday was a bad day?"
"Yesterday was a mediocre day. I've had much worse. Days when I thought I wouldn't be able to go on. But I realized that I needed to be here if you came back and I also hoped that maybe some day..." her voice finally began to quiver.
"You didn't really contemplate..." I was astounded.
"Killing myself?" she finished my sentence. "Not seriously, but there were many days that I wished I was dead. Mostly because I didn't want to hurt anymore."
"Scully, I --" I put my plate down on the bed.
"I'm okay now. That was mostly at first and my mom helped me a lot." She picked my plate back up and handed it to me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin your breakfast."
I took my plate and began to eat blindly. I had no idea how deeply this had hurt Scully. I was sure that even wishing you were dead was some kind of sin in the Catholic Church. I couldn't imagine the desolation she must have been feeling.
"Can I tell you something?" Scully's soft voice interrupted my thoughts.
I nodded quickly.
"Not so long ago, I don't think I could have talked about this -- not even to you. Believe or not, I am doing better and it does help to talk," she said, laying her hand on my thigh.
"You can talk to me whenever you need to," I covered her hand with mine. "I know I can't make it go away, but I can help you through the grieving process."
"We can help each other," she corrected me. "I'm not sure if you've even begun to grieve yet."
What Scully didn't know was that I'd already grieved. I'd been positive I'd never see either of them again, so finding out that William was alive and safe helped me to find some solace. I doubted Scully would ever reach that stage, but I hoped that someday I might be able to help her reach acceptance.
"How far are we planning to go today?" She changed the subject.
"Well, L.A. is still almost 11 hours from here, but I don't think my ass could take that long on the bike. Yuma is about halfway. I thought we could stop there tonight," I laid out my plan.
"So we don't need to rush off then?" her eyes widened as she asked her question.
"No, why? Was there something you wanted to do?"
"As a matter of fact," she stood up and took both plates over to the dresser, "There, was."
I watched in stunned silence as she walked over to the duffel bag and pulled out a condom. After what we'd been talking about, it hadn't occurred to me that Scully would want to make love. Maybe she was feeling the same thing I was; that she couldn't get close enough. We'd been so close for so many years without being intimate, I wouldn't have thought it was possible to feel any closer to Scully until we made love for the first time. Now nothing could ever replace that bond we'd created. Until now, I didn't know that Scully felt that same need. She needed the intimacy to regain that sense of connection.
With the condom still in her hand, Scully stood next to the bed and pulled off her t-shirt. As she bent to push off her panties, I knew I was going to be ready whenever she was.
"Let me get that." She stopped me when I started to pull of my shirt.
After tossing it over her shoulder she began to unbutton my jeans. I wasn't sure what I found sexier -- that Scully was undressing me or knowing that she wanted to do it.
"Can you sit against the headboard, please?" she asked when I was naked.
"Since you said please," I tried to sound cocky, but my voice cracked. I'd never be able to fool Scully. She knew exactly how much I needed her and that was fine with me.
As soon as I was sitting up, Scully crawled on top of me, the condom still in her hand. As her mouth closed over mine, I felt her pin my cock between our bodies. I groaned when I felt how hot she was.
"Scully," I groaned as she began to kiss my neck. "Condom."
"I want to feel you -- just for a minute." She lifted her lips briefly to tell me in a breathy voice.
"Jesus," I clenched my teeth as she slid over my cock without taking me inside of her. Her heat and moisture in combination with the movement of her hips was exquisite. Her mouth found mine again, and we kissed noisily as she continued to glide over my shaft.
"Scully," I pulled out of the kiss to warn her.
"I know," she was breathing hard. She moved back slightly, and unlike the previous night, wasted no time putting on the condom.
Before I had the chance to bring myself back down, even fractionally, I was inside of her. Her muscles clenched around me immediately.
"God, Mulder!" She threw her head back and began to slowly rock her hips as she moved above me.
"Scully, this --" I was having a hard time forming coherent thoughts. "You --, I love you." My head was swimming with sensation -- her smell, the softness of her breasts. My hands were on her breasts and she exhaled sharply as I squeezed them. Her internal muscles tightened when I ran my thumbs over her nipples.
"Yes!" She began to move faster.
I could feel the tension mounting in her body as she neared her peak. Suddenly her head snapped forward. Her eyes were dark and intense.
"I love you," she panted before leaning forward to capture my lips again.
Just as I felt her body begin to quake, I felt my own orgasm swell. As she shook, I took hold of her hips and thrust into her as hard as I could. Our mouths were pressed together, but we weren't kissing. Scully's fingernails dug into my shoulders and I was probably marking her hips, but neither of us seemed to care. When I felt the final surge and explosive release of my climax I was aware enough to realize that Scully was calling my name and her muscles were pulsing around me, making my orgasm seem endless.
I opened my eyes to find Scully easing herself off of me. She slipped the condom off of me and headed toward the bathroom.
"Scully," I called, my voice still rough.
"Yeah?" She stopped at the door.
"Have I mentioned that I hate condoms?" We'd had mind-altering sex and I wanted nothing more than to sink into a post-coital stupor with her. Instead we had other things to worry about.
"We should probably go have a shower," Scully announced when she returned, but she sounded like she would have preferred to climb back into bed with me.
"Probably," I nodded. I could have easily drifted back to sleep with her in my arms.
"C'mon," Scully held out her hand to me.
I took her proffered hand, but instead of getting up, I pulled her on top of me. She let out a tiny squeal when she left her feet, but didn't try to stop herself from landing on my chest.
"Miss me?" she pushed herself up to look at me.
"Actually, yeah," I told her earnestly. When her eyes met mine, I could tell she knew I wasn't joking. "Never again, Scully. We can't ever let them do this to us again. Apart, we are far less than half of what we are together and they know that. Look at what they managed to do when we let them split us up. We can't let them do it again, no matter what."
"No matter what," her voice was quiet but firm.
"C'mere," I pulled her closer to my face. "Don't ever let me try to convince you that it would be safer for us to be apart again. Will you promise me that?"
"I will, if you'll promise to listen," she stroked my cheek with her thumb.
"I promise, Scully," I slid my hand under her hair and pulled her mouth down to mine. The kiss started out gentle but was still insistent. When our tongues met, I couldn't resist drawing hers into my mouth. She made a small sound in the back of her throat and squirmed on top of me. Suddenly I felt like a starving man. I couldn't kiss her deeply enough. In an instant, I rolled Scully to her back. My hands were in her hair, and I was holding her head still while I feasted on her mouth. I knew I'd taken things too far when I felt my cock begin to stir.
"Scully!" I protested when I rolled off of her. "Stop that!"
"Me?" She hadn't caught her breath yet.
"Aren't you ever satisfied?"
"Never." She let her eyes gleam at me.
"Stop that!" I pointed a warning finger at her. "We're going for a shower remember?" I got off the bed.
"You should have thought of that before you started making love to my mouth." She accepted my hand to help her stand up.
"You make it sound like it was my fault." I pulled her toward the bathroom.
"Oh, so it's my fault?" She chuckled.
"You did kiss me back," I reminded her.
Scully simply rolled her eyes at me and started the water. When we climbed in, she got under the spray first and began to wash her hair. After she rinsed, she slicked it down with conditioner.
"Your turn." She smiled when she was done.
We had to do a little dance in the narrow tub to switch positions.
"So, Mulder," Scully began while I washing my hair, "How are we going to disguise you? Maybe I should dye your hair, too."
"Um, Scully?" I smiled sheepishly at her. "I already dye my hair."
"You do not!" her eyes flew open.
"I do. For about ten years now. If I let the dye grow out I'm sure I'd be almost completely gray. It runs in my mother's side of the family."
"You really dye your hair?" her mouth was hanging open in amazement.
"Yup," I shrugged.
"And you didn't tell me?" She reached out to slap my chest.
"It never came up," I defended myself.
"Okay, so we let your hair grow out and what do you think about a beard?" she asked as she began to soap up.
"I don't like them, but it's probably a good idea," I agreed.
"And we should get into the habit of calling each other by the names on our Ids. Okay, Mark?" She raised her eyebrows playfully.
"Yes, Sarah," I nodded contritely.
When we'd had the fake IDs made last year we'd chosen first names that started with the same letters as our last names. We hoped that might make it easier for us to remember to use them.
While Scully dried her hair, I packed up the few things we'd taken out. When I finished that I took the dishes back to the restaurant, as I'd promised. When I got back to the room, I stopped short when I saw Scully. Not only did she have the blonde curly hair, but she'd darkened the beauty mark above her lip, as well. Her make-up looked different, too. It was still understated, but now her eye shadow was blue and her lips were pale pink. I'm sure her mother would walk right past her without recognizing her.
"Do I look all right?" she asked as she began to fill a purse she'd bought the day before.
"I barely recognize you," I shook my head slowly. "But you look good..." I hesitated slightly.
"What?" She looked at me sharply.
"I do miss your red hair. Is that okay?
"Of course it's okay," she smiled. "And I hope I won't have to stay this color for too long."
"I hope not, too," I sighed.
It was about 10:30 by the time we'd packed everything back onto the bike and hit the road. Tucson was only a couple of hours away, so we could stop there for a break and something to eat before continuing on to Yuma. We'd been underway for about an hour when Scully surprised by tapping me on the shoulder. We hadn't decided on any signals, but I assumed she wanted me to pull over.
"Want me to look for a bathroom?" I turned to ask when I'd stopped the bike.
"No," she chuckled. "I saw some billboards advertising a Pow Wow. I thought maybe we could go."
"You want to see if we can find out more about the turquoise?" I wondered.
"Yeah, and I've never been to a Pow Wow," she shrugged.
"Sounds good to me. Where is it?" I hadn't seen the billboards.
"If I'm reading the signs right, we're close to the turn off. Turn north off the highway and it's another ten miles," she explained.
After Scully had pointed it out, I began to see the signs guiding me toward the Pow Wow. Twenty minutes later we were parking the bike.
Like Scully, I had never been to a real Pow Wow, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Since it was a weekday, I hadn't thought it would be as busy as it turned out to be. The crowd seemed to be very diverse. Some people were wearing jeans and tees, like Scully and me, some were dressed in cowboy gear and many people were dressed in numerous variations of Indian regalia.
The venue was similar to a fair, with a lot of booths set up. Some were selling food, some featured arts and crafts, others had displays of books about genealogy and some seemed to be more information-based. At what appeared to be the center of the venue, a ring of bleachers surrounded a large fire pit. Nothing was happening there now, but I assumed that was where the traditional dancing would be held.
In the distance I could see a small stage and a band was playing bluegrass music. There were other many other attractions including carving displays, weaving lessons, story telling and games for the many children in attendance.
Scully and I began to wander among the various booths. The arts and crafts were all Native North American, but not all were from this area -- one of the booths featured soapstone carvings. We both paused at a booth that had a large display of turquoise jewelry.
"I like these," Scully announced, inspecting a pair of dangly silver and turquoise earrings.
"Do you want to get them?" I wasn't sure if liking them translated into buying them.
"Mmm hmm," her eyes sparkled.
The middle-aged woman running the booth offered to wrap up our purchase, but Scully wanted to wear them right away. The color went well with her new blonde hair.
"They go well with your necklace," the woman smiled at Scully. "Do you like turquoise?"
"I do," Scully returned the woman's smile as she removed the earrings she was wearing.
"We heard that turquoise is supposed to offer the wearer protection," I commented casually as I paid the woman.
"That's true," she nodded.
"Can you tell us any more about it?" I asked hopefully.
"Me? No," she shook her head. "But my husband knows all of that stuff. Earl!" she called loudly.
A thin man, who was a good four inches shorter than me, turned around. His appearance was a testament to the melting pot that is America. His dark hair and copper skin betrayed his native origins, but his clothes were a different matter entirely. He was wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a fringed shirt and a Texas Rangers' ball cap. I decided to trust him despite his choice of ball teams. What did people in Arizona know about baseball anyway? "Yeah?" he ambled over.
"These folks want to know more about your turquoise," she nodded toward us.
"You like my earrings, huh?" He noticed what Scully had purchased.
"I do." She shook her head to make the earring swing. "They're gorgeous."
"So what do you want to know about turquoise?" he asked, smiling up at me.
"Well, I heard that turquoise is supposed to offer the wearer protection," repeating what I'd said to his wife.
"Yup," he nodded briskly. "My people have always worn it to keep spirits away."
"What kind of spirits?" I wanted more information. After what Cancer Man had told me at the pueblo, I'd become very interested in the lore of the natives of this region.
"Most any spirit," he shrugged.
"How does it work?" I hoped he knew more than he was telling me.
"Well, my grandfather explained it by saying that wearing turquoise makes you invisible to the spirits," he pulled a pack of loose tobacco out of his pocket and began to roll a cigarette.
"I see," I raised my eyebrows at Scully. "And if they can't find you, they can't hurt you."
"That's right," he grinned before running the tip of his tongue along the adhesive strip on his cigarette paper. "Smoke?" he offered the pouch to me.
"No, thanks," I declined politely, deciding not to tell him about the aversion therapy I'd undergone.
"A cigarette sounds good to me," Scully spoke up.
Earl's eyebrows raised slightly, but he said nothing. Instead he offered her the pouch.
"No, thanks," she smiled. "I have my own," she began to dig around in her purse.
Scully had mentioned before that she had smoked in Med school. It seemed like a contradiction to me, but she claimed it was for stress relief. She'd quit as soon as she'd joined the FBI -- for the most part. Twice now since we'd left Roswell she'd lit up when we were in a crowd of people. I wasn't sure if it was for stress relief or if it was part of her new persona.
"Turquoise can't protect you from these," Earl grinned after exhaling his last drag. "Smoke too many and you'll end up looking like me," he chuckled.
"I know," Scully smiled good-naturedly, "But when I try to quit, I gain weight and that's not good for me either."
"Can't win, huh?" he winked at her.
"So, Earl," I wanted more information. "Does the turquoise only work around here? I mean for the spirits from around here?"
"All spirits," Earl informed me sagely. "That's what my grandfather said, but then again, he was a bit of a kook. Get a few beers into him and he'd launch into these tales about the sky spirits and how they used to steal people right out of their beds."
"Really?" Scully and I looked at each in amazement. "And the turquoise prevents that?" I couldn't believe this man was confirming what Krycek's ghost had told me. I hadn't been honest with Scully about that part. I'd simply told her I'd heard if she wore it, they couldn't use her chip to track her. I doubted she'd have believed me if I'd told her that I'd gotten that tidbit from Krycek's apparition in our motel room in Roswell.
"That's what my grandfather said," Earl took another long pull off his cigarette. "But he said a lot of things when he had a few under his belt," he chuckled. "Speaking of belts," he turned back to his booth. "I think a belt with a nice turquoise buckle would look real good on you," he wiggled his own to show me.
"Okay," I figured I owed him that much.
Earl showed me several belt buckles and I was having a hard time deciding between a rectangular silver and turquoise one and an oval one. When I looked up to get Scully's opinion I found her squatting down talking to a small boy who wasn't much older than three. He was obviously lost and tears were streaming down his cheeks.
"Are you lost?" Scully asked him as she wiped his nose with a tissue from her purse.
The little boy said nothing. He simply stuffed his fingers into his mouth and continued to cry.
"Should we find your mommy?" She kept her tone cheerful.
The boy's eyes widened and he nodded slowly.
"Okay," Scully stood up. "Let's go find her." When she held out her arms to him, he toddled closer and lifted his arms toward her. "There you go," Scully picked him up quickly and settled him on her hip. "Let's go find your mommy. I shouldn't be long, M-M-Mark," she called over her shoulder.
It came over me like a wave. My knees grew weak, my chest tightened and my throat constricted. Suddenly I couldn't breathe. I doubled over and the silent sobs wracking my body kept me from catching my breath. I thought I was going to pass out.
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