...all MSR all the time..
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Chapter 3
"Hey! What's wrong?"
I felt an arm wrap around my waist. My feet were moving, and thanks to someone's steady hand, I stayed upright.
"Put him here," another voice directed.
Nausea was building in my stomach and I suddenly felt cold all over.
"Sit!" someone ordered and I gratefully collapsed into a chair. That someone, or someone else was pushing my head down between my knees. When a cold cloth hit the back of my neck I began to feel slightly better.
"Breathe," a female voice instructed as a hand rubbed my back.
"Are you okay?" I recognized Earl's voice.
"I think so," I nodded, but my voice was still strangled by my tears.
"What happened?" Earl sounded confused. "We were looking at buckles then --"
"It was my wife," I took a shaky breath.
"She said she'd be right back," Earl tried to console me.
I couldn't help choking out a laugh. "Not that," I was still having trouble breathing. "It was just seeing her -- the boy --" I must have sounded completely crazy.
"The little boy she was talking to?" Earl's wife tried to help.
"Yes," I brought my hands to my face as I felt another wave of sorrow wash over me.
"Maybe they had a little boy," an unfamiliar voice suggested.
"Is that what it is?" Earl asked. "Did you lose a little boy?"
I couldn't speak, so I nodded as another sob wracked my body.
"And that brought it all back?" Earl's wife was still rubbing my back.
I nodded again and tried to take deep breaths. How could I have possibly thought I had already dealt with it? It had been easy for me. I wasn't the one that actually had to hand my son over to strangers. For me, it hadn't really been different than being away for all of those months. How did Scully cope? How could she get out of bed in the morning?
"What's going on?" I heard Scully's voice. "M-Mark? What's wrong?"
When I looked up I was surprised to find that a crowd had formed around Earl's booth.
"It was seeing you with the little boy," Earl's wife explained.
As Scully knelt down in front of me, I saw two large tears standing in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," I whispered as she brushed the tears off my cheeks.
"Don't be sorry. You needed to do this," she smiled softly at me.
"No, I'm sorry that I didn't understand," I pulled her into a hug, burying my face against her neck.
"Shh," she stroked my hair. "I think you were trying to protect yourself by convincing yourself that you'd already dealt with it. I've seen you do it before."
"Okay, folks. Show's over," Earl spoke up. "Unless, of course, you're buying."
Earl's tactic seemed to work. The crowd thinned out quickly, still murmuring as they went.
"Let's give them some room, Earl. I could use a bite," his wife tugged at his arm.
"You'll stay until we get back?" Earl looked over his shoulder as his wife pulled him along.
"We will," Scully assured him.
I stared after Earl and his wife as they walked away with their heads bent together. Scully was still kneeling in front of me. When I looked down at her, I could see concern in her blue eyes. Trust Scully to be worried about me when I was worried about her.
"How do you do it, Scully?" I whispered. "I feel like someone tore out my heart."
"Some days hurt more than others," she stroked my cheek.
"I don't want you to hurt, Scully. This isn't right. They did this. They knew what it would do to us," I felt my throat start to tighten up again. "We should all be together."
"I want that more than you know, Mulder. But we can't -- it's too late," Scully's voice began falter. "The adoption is permanent now." Tears began to fill her eyes again.
"I can't accept that, Scully. I won't," I shook my head vigorously. "There must be some way."
"Mulder, no," her eyes grew distant. "Please don't do this to yourself; to me. How do you think it was for me before it became final? When I knew I could still go and get him back? I picked up the phone countless times. I even spoke to the women who'd arranged it, twice. I almost did it. I almost took him back, but my fears were stronger than my grief. I wanted our son to live, even if it couldn't be with me."
"Shit, Scully," I cupped her face. "That's not what I meant. I know you did what you had to do and I understand, I do," I kissed her softly. "What I don't understand is how you managed."
"I just did," her eyes were still far away. "It wasn't easy, but I did."
"And we can't ever get him back?"
"I don't even know where he is, Mulder. I thought it would be safer that way," her tears were flowing freely.
"Scully, I'm sorry for dredging this up," I tried to wipe away her tears.
"There was no dredging involved, Mulder. It was always right there. Do you know how many nights I lay awake wondering how you were going to react? I was sure you'd hate me," she choked. "I was positive you would think that I could have protected him better, but look what happened. I let someone hurt him. It didn't seem to matter what lengths I went to, they always managed to get to him. I was lucky twice. I couldn't risk a third time. Can you understand that?"
"I do understand, Scully," I assured her. "But can you understand how I can agree completely with what you did, but still be furious that you had to do it?"
"You are describing my life since I made that decision, Mulder. So, yes, I know exactly what you mean," she got up and brushed off her knees.
"C'mere," I patted my lap. She sat down, but not without looking to see who was watching first.
"Can you also understand that I refuse to give up?" I looked up into her tear-stained face.
"I can't understand why you would do that to yourself," she shook her head.
"If hope is all I have, Scully, I'll cling on to it for dear life. I just refuse to say never. We have no idea how things might change," I forced myself to smile at her. "But I thought you knew that about me."
"I do," she managed a small smile as well. "I think that's what I love about you. You hope for the impossible."
"And occasionally those hopes are rewarded. That's why I keep tilting at windmills, Scully," I gave her a squeeze.
"Is it okay with you if I let you hope for the both of us?" she whispered. "I'm afraid to let myself have even the faintest hope."
"I thought that was my job in this relationship," I wanted to put this behind us, even if it could only be for a little while. "And your job is to make sure I don't make a complete fool of myself."
"Sure," she smiled through her tears. "I get the hard job."
Scully and I stayed that way, snuggling on Earl's wife's chair until they got back from lunch. Before we left, Scully decided that she liked the rectangular belt buckle better.
"Now all you need are cowboy boots and a fringed shirt," she winked at me after we'd said our thank yous to Earl and his wife.
"I thought you were supposed to make sure I didn't make a fool of myself," I reminded her.
"When in Rome," she smiled up at me.
"I wouldn't mind the boots," I slipped my arm around her waist. "But I'm drawing the line at a fringed shirt."
We ended up staying at the Pow Wow all afternoon and into the evening. It would have been a shame to have come and not seen the dancing. The rhythmic beat of the drums and the rise and fall of the chants were almost intoxicating. I could tell from the way Scully's eyes shone that she enjoyed it as much as I did.
When the festivities began to wind down, Scully and I walked slowly back to the bike. It had been a very long day. Since seeing Scully with that little boy I'd had a lot of time to think. It hadn't occurred to me that Scully might worry about how I would react. If given the choice, this isn't where I would have picked to have our heart to heart, but I'm sure both of us were in a better frame of mind now. I could tell that Scully was a little more relaxed. I looked forward to the time when she would be able to relax completely.
I would never stop hoping that we would get Will back, and I know that deep in her heart, Scully was hoping too. But it was a hope that she simply could not face. Acknowledging it would keep her grief even closer to the surface than it already was, forcing her to deal with it every minute of every day. This windmill was one that I'd be happy to tilt at on my own, if it meant that just existing would be a little less painful for Scully.
"You're awfully quiet," Scully looked up at me when we reached the bike.
"Just thinking," I gave her hand a squeeze. "You looked like you were enjoying the dancing."
"I did," her eyes widened. "It was very -- powerful."
"I liked the drumming circle," I pulled her into a hug. "It was mesmerizing. I felt like I was being drawn into the music."
"What time were you supposed to come back for your boots tomorrow?" she put her head on my chest.
We'd discovered a booth that sold hand made cowboy boots and Scully had talked me into buying them. I had to agree, they'd be better on the bike than my sneakers. There was a pair there in my size, but the vendor said they were his display pair. Fortunately for me, he said he had a pair back at his shop that were almost complete and I could pick them up the following day.
"Around noon, he said," I kissed the top of her head. "So we can sleep in."
"Sounds good to me."
When she lifted her face to smile up at me, I couldn't resist leaning down to give her a soft kiss. Scully tended to shy away from public displays of affection, but she didn't pull out of this kiss. Instead, she raised herself onto her tiptoes to return my kiss. That simple action on her part was enough to make my pulse quicken.
"Let's go," she whispered, when we finally parted.
I could tell from the timbre of her voice that mine wasn't the only heart that was now racing.
When we'd found out we had to come back the next day to pick up the boots we realized we were going to have to find somewhere near by to spend the night. Before I'd even had a chance to voice the need, the old cobbler told us about a small motel just a few more miles north on the road that had brought us to the Pow Wow.
It was after nine when we arrived at the Red Rock Motel. The small parking lot looked full and I began to doubt there'd be any rooms available. It looked like quite a few of the Pow Wow attendees had also heard about this establishment. A light was still shining from the office, so I parked the bike and Scully and I went in to check on a room.
"One room left," the owner nodded at us when I inquired.
"I guess we were lucky," Scully smiled.
"Very," the older lady smiled. "I just had a cancellation."
For some reason her words sent a small shiver down my spine and I had no idea why.
Scully was pleased to find the room very well maintained. It looked like everything had been recently refurbished and the furniture hadn't come from motelfurniture.com. The dressers were real, not a couple of plywood drawers, and the bed was actually freestanding, not secured to the wall. The artwork was real and possibly local, judging by the vistas. The pictures were far nicer than the cheap prints Scully and I were used to. The bathroom was clean, well lit and the pale blue towels matched the paint and wallpaper.
"So, Scully..." I began when we'd unloaded the bike and brought our things inside, "Where were we?"
"Were we talking about something?" She looked at me in puzzlement.
"Not exactly," I grinned as I took a step toward her.
"Oh," She chuckled when she realized what I was implying.
When I reached her and gathered her into my arms we resumed the kiss we'd pulled out of at the Pow Wow. After what had happened this morning I'd felt a little less close to Scully. I knew that the way we'd opened up to each other should have made me feel closer to her, but I felt like I needed to reconnect with her physically. Judging by the way her hips were moving, she must have felt the same way. I was thankful I'd grabbed a condom before I made my move. I would have hated to have to stop to get one in mid-seduction.
Our clothes marked the path from the where we'd been kissing to the bed. Our lips had only parted when they prevented an article of clothing from being removed. When Scully's backward progress was halted by the bed, I picked her up and carried her, on my knees, to the center of the bed. We made love slowly and gently, concerned more with caressing and kissing each other than sexual gratification. When my body finally shuddered in release, I regretfully eased out of Scully and she once again made the trip to the bathroom.
I was surprised when she didn't return right away, but when I heard the sound of running water I realized she was taking off her make-up. When she padded quietly back into the room, she turned off the lights before slipping into bed beside me.
"Where are your lips?" She put her hand on my face.
"Right here," I puckered up in an effort to help her find them.
"Mmm," she sighed when she found them and kissed me softly.
From the position of her head, I gathered that she was resting on one elbow as she continued to kiss me. My hand wandered from her hip up along her side as she snuggled closer to me. Initially Scully's kisses were soft, even tentative, but they slowly grew more intense. Her tongue probed deeper into my mouth while her free hand caressed the back of my neck. I'd thought she was simply giving me a goodnight kiss, but when she rolled to her back and pulled me with her, I had an inkling that she might have something else in mind. When she reached down and began to stroke my cock, I knew my suspicions were correct.
She'd only given me about 10 minutes to recharge. I normally needed at least 20, but neither she or my cock seemed to be aware of that fact. Her ministrations were having what I assumed to be the desired effect.
"Scully," I pulled out of the kiss. "We're going to need another..."
Before I could finish my sentence, a small plastic package was being pressed against my arm. I loved how her mind worked.
"So you weren't planning to go sleep at all," I chuckled and began to nuzzle her neck.
"Nope," She squirmed as my lips moved along her skin. "You said we could sleep in. Remember?"
"I do," I chuckled again, taking the package from her.
"And I wasn't planning to make love like this, either," she informed me. I could tell from her voice that she was smiling. "It sounds like a lot of thought went into this," I gave her a squeeze. "How did you want to make love?"
"Spooning."
She said the word quietly. It was almost a whisper. She knew it was my favorite position and hearing that she wanted to use it made my stomach flip-flop.
"We haven't --" she began, but I cut her off with a kiss.
I knew she was going to say we hadn't made love like that since before Will was born, not that we'd had much opportunity. But I was thrilled to know that she remembered how much I loved it.
"Scully," I pulled back to whisper. "Are you sure? I know it's not your favorite." I knew she liked to be able to kiss me while we made love.
"What makes you say that?" Her hand went to my hair and she began to comb it with her fingers. "I love how close you hold me. I love the way your lips feel on my neck. I love the way your hands explore my skin and I love the things you whisper in my ear."
"Jesus, Scully," I groaned.
"I'll take that as a yes," I could hear the mirth in her voice as she wiggled out from under me.
While she flicked the light back on, I opened the condom wrapper.
"Why did you turn it off to begin with?" I asked as I rolled on the condom.
"Two reasons," she admitted as she lay down on her side. "I wasn't sure if you'd be up to this or not, and I thought it would be better if you couldn't see me as well."
"Why?" I snuggled up to her and began to caress her hip.
"Because I thought you'd figure out what I was up to." She wiggled back against me.
"I see," I lowered my lips to her neck as I slid my left hand under her. "Is that okay?"
"Mulder," she sighed. "You ask that every time and what do I say every time?"
"I just wanted to check," I said sheepishly as I closed my left hand over her breast.
"It's fine," she assured me breathily as I tugged at her nipple.
"Sounds better than fine," I chuckled as I ran my right hand over the round of ass and slid it in between her thighs.
"Yeah." Her head lolled back against me.
If I'd learned anything about Scully, it was that her vocabulary became quite limited when she was aroused. So if she was talking to me while we were having sex, I wasn't getting it right.
"Is this what you thought about?" I asked when my cock was pressed against her, teasing her.
"Yes," she whimpered, angling her hips toward me.
"Is that not enough?" I caressed her thigh. "Do you want more?"
"Mulder," she protested faintly as she rocked her hips into me.
The first time I'd teased Scully like this, I was sure she was going to kick my ass, but I soon discovered that she enjoyed playing this little game occasionally. I also quickly learned that payback was a bitch.
"Yeah?" I nibbled at her ear.
"Please," She wiggled her hips, trying to get me inside of her.
"Slow down," I chastised her, pulling away slightly. "I want to take my time. You don't mind, do you?"
"No," she whimpered again.
"Good," I breathed in her ear. "Because I want to spend some time just enjoying the way you feel," I explained as I brought my right hand up to her breast.
"God," she groaned as I began to squeeze them. Her hips seemed to thrust back involuntarily.
"You can't keep still, can you?" My cock was pressed into the soft flesh of her ass and I rewarded her by increasing the pressure.
"Feels too good," she shook her head. "Have to move."
"I'm not even inside of you yet," I moved my right hand slowly down to her hip.
"I know," she pouted and pushed back against me.
I'm not sure who I thought I was kidding, this was as torturous for me as it was for her. I wasn't going to be able to keep this up much longer.
"Are you sure you're ready?" I slipped my hand between her legs again, only to discover how very ready she was.
Sucking a quick breath in through her teeth, she bucked against my hand.
"Oh, yeah," I think you're ready," I withdrew my hand, making her groan.
"Don't sound so disappointed, Scully," I chuckled. "I thought *this* was what you wanted."
Holding her hip, I filled her with one thrust. I was rewarded with a very unScully-like grunt and she began to quake.
"Fuck," I hissed as she spasmed around me. I hadn't realized she was so close and she almost took me with her.
When her body quieted, I began to take slow strokes. I knew if I went too fast, this would all be over much sooner than I wanted it to be. Scully wasn't the only one who became very turned on by our little game. Her reaction hadn't helped.
Keeping my pace slow, I continued to nibble at her neck and tug at her nipples. Every one of my actions was rewarded with a sigh or a throaty moan. She met me stroke for stroke and soon I discovered that we had picked up speed. I felt her internal muscles start to tighten and I knew I wouldn't make it through another one of her orgasms, so I decided to make this one memorable. Grabbing her by the hip again, I began to thrust into her as hard as I could in this position.
"God -- yes," she panted as her muscles clamped down around me.
"Love you," I breathed through clenched teeth as I took my last frenzied strokes.
Scully succumbed first, groaning my name as her body shook. Watching and feeling her orgasm was too much for me. When I Finally dragged my eyes open, Scully was lying limply in front of me.
"Mmm," I kissed her neck as I pulled out of her.
Her eyes fluttered open to squint at me. "Night," she reached behind her to pull my head closer so she could kiss me.
"I'll be right back," I promised after our kiss.
By the time I got back from the bathroom she was already asleep. When I got back into bed, I spooned up to her immediately. In her sleep, she made a contented noise as she snuggled back against me. I clung to her tightly. My body was exhausted from our love making, but I was afraid if I lost my hold on her, I'd wake up to find the past few days had all been the dream of a brainwashed prisoner.
I woke in the morning to the smell of coffee. When I opened my eyes, I found Scully sitting on the bed beside me, her hand on my shoulder.
"I hated to wake you," she apologized, "But I didn't want your breakfast to get cold."
"Mmm, that's okay," I sat up and stretched. "How long have you been up?"
"A couple of hours," she smiled at me. "Did I wear you out last night? I've never known you to sleep so late."
"You can wear me out like that anytime, Scully" I laughed as she handed my plate to me.
She was silent for a few minutes as we began to eat. From the way her brow was furrowed, I could tell something was bothering her.
"What's the matter?" I reached out to put my hand on her knee.
"I've been thinking," she shrugged.
"About what?"
"About how we're going to protect ourselves," she put her fork down. "Guns won't work against supersoldiers. We don't even know if they know that we survived. And if they did think we died at the pueblo, when we start digging around, it won't take them long to figure out that we're alive."
"I've been thinking about that too," I admitted. "Do you have any ideas?"
"Well, we know what works against them, but we can't drag a mesa with us and we agreed that we can't bring them down by hiding out in the desert," she sighed.
"True," I nodded. "But there are lots of sources of magnetite."
"And..." Scully cocked her head at me.
"And the form it was in by the pueblo was fairly disperse -- intermixed with the sand. There are forms that are a lot more concentrated," I continued.
"How does that help us?" she still look puzzled.
"You know that all it is really, is magnetic iron ore?" I stopped to ask.
"Yeah?"
"Well, I'm thinking we could make some fairly decent shot out of iron ore," I smiled.
"Do you think that will work?" Her eyes lit up.
"Maybe not one shell, but three or four should do the trick. If not, we'll just keep pumping until they crumble," I really had no idea how much it would take.
"That's a great idea, Mulder," she grinned as she picked up her fork again.
"Yeah, now all we need is a computer so we can bid for some magnetite on e-bay," I winked at her.
"I'm sure we'll be able to track some down, somwhere, Mulder," she assured me. "And a laptop will be the first step."
After we were finished breakfast, I went for a shower while Scully packed up our meager belongings.
"We need to find a laundromat," she informed me when I emerged from the shower. "Maybe in Tucson?"
"Sure," I nodded. "We can stop and pick up a laptop and then do the laundry.
We left the motel shortly before 11. We weren't supposed to pick up the boots for another hour, but decided we could wander around at the Pow Wow until they were ready.
After leaving the bike we began to meander through the booths in a direction that would bring us to the boot maker last. Scully saw a lot of crafts she was interested in, but unfortunately we had no way to carry them. I regretted our decision to trade for a bike. I wished Scully could have everything she wanted. I knew she was feeling the same way, but neither of us said anything. A bike can go places where a car can't follow, and we needed that flexibility.
It was only 11:30 when we got the cobbler's booth, but he smiled when he saw us.
"I have your boots," he turned to rummage through a pile of boxes behind him. "Here they are," he pulled one out, set it on the table and slid it toward me.
When I lifted the lid the earthy smell of leather filled my nostrils. The boots had been polished until they glowed. Scully picked one up to inspect it more closely.
"What's this?" Her voice shook as she pointed to something red.
When I looked, my eyes flew open. Near the top of the boot a tiny intricate fox had been embroidered.
"How?" I shook my head at the man. "What?" I couldn't formulate my question. I'd never seen this man in my life before yesterday and yet he seemed to know who I was.
His face remained impassive and his voice steady as he answered the question I hadn't been able to ask.
"It isn't often the fox is trusted to watch over the white buffalo calf."
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