There's A Way
Chapter 11
When my mother arrived at the house half an hour later, she was surprised to find me still in my robe.
"Is something wrong?" she asked immediately.
"I'm still sick, Mom," I admitted quietly. I didn't like anyone knowing when I wasn't feeling well, but especially not my mother. She still liked to treat me like a ten-year-old. She'd want me back in bed with a hot water bottle and a Nancy Drew mystery. "Shouldn't you be in bed then?" she hurried over and put her hand on my forehead. "You don't feel warm."
"I'm not running a fever, Mom," I gave Megan another spoonful of cereal. "It's the same thing as the other morning," I thought it would be best not to go into the gory details at the breakfast table.
"She's going to the doctor later," Mulder informed my mother.
"That's probably a good idea," she nodded. "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, but you should find out for sure," she was still looking at Mulder.
"Hello," I waved at them. "I am still in the room."
"Sorry, Scully," Mulder smiled at me. "Yeah," he turned back to my mother, "We thought she should get into see Dr. Zuckerman as soon as possible."
"Dr. Zuckerman," her eyebrows shot up. "Isn't he your --?"
"Yes," I cut her off and looked toward Jordan. "Just to be on the safe side."
At the mention of my oncologist the color drained out of my mother's face. I'd assumed that she'd been thinking the same thing that Mulder and I had been thinking, but maybe she'd thought it was just a bug. I began to regret saying anything. As quickly as her face fell, she recovered and started to chat with Jordan about school. It was clear to me that I'd come by my coping capabilities honestly.
By 7:30 Mulder still hadn't left for work. I was in the front hall with him, trying to get him out the door.
"You're going to be late," I chided him.
"I don't care if I'm late," he pulled me into his arms. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"
We'd had the same debate at least ten times already and we'd only been up for an hour and a half.
"Mulder, I have no idea when I'll be able to get an appointment. Besides, it will be less stressful for me to go alone," I tried to explain.
"Less stressful?" I saw hurt in his eyes.
"Mulder," I stood on tiptoe and kissed him softly, "If you come with me I'll spend most of my time trying not to make you worry. If you came with me, every time I shifted in my chair you'd be asking me if I was all right. Can you understand how that might be stressful for me?"
"I wouldn't, Scully, I promise," his tone was earnest.
"So you're saying you wouldn't be worried?"
"Well -- no," he frowned.
"This might be selfish of me, Mulder, but it would be easier for me if I went by myself," I straightened a wayward lock of hair on his forehead.
"Okay, Scully," his shoulders slumped. "I don't want to make this any harder on you."
"Thank you, Mulder," I gave him another soft kiss. "I'll call you as soon as I know anything."
Mulder clung to me tightly for a moment before he practically threw himself out of the door. I couldn't see his face. The door made a hollow thunk when it closed. I stood there staring at it; not seeing anything. Suddenly I had the urge to pull the door open again, but Mulder was already driving away. My throat tightened and I felt very alone. After taking a long slow breath, I turned and walked back to the kitchen to help my mother get Jordan ready for school.
From experience I knew that Dr. Zuckerman's opened at nine. My mother hadn't returned from taking Jordan to school when I called. When I explained my concerns to the receptionist she told me to come right down and they would fit me in. As soon as my mother came home I drove to Dr. Zuckerman's offices beside Trinity Hospital.
Once upstairs, I went to the front desk to let the receptionist know I'd arrived.
"Dana Scully to see Dr. Zuckerman," I smiled and handed her my insurance card.
"It says Mulder here," she looked at the card.
"Right. I was married in June, but I haven't seen Dr. Zuckerman since then to have my records updated," I explained.
"Has anything else changed? Address? Phone number?" she smiled up at me.
"Yes, all of it," I chuckled and gave her the information. She updated the information on her computer as I told her.
"Have a seat and Dr. Zuckerman will see you as soon as possible," she instructed as she handed the card back to me.
I tried to keep myself occupied by reading one of the women's magazine's that adorned the tables in the waiting room. Even though the magazines were recent, my attention kept wandering. Several times I found myself just staring off into space. I was expecting a long wait, but it didn't seem long before a nurse called me back to an examination room.
Since this was a consultation, she didn't ask me to undress, she simply pointed me toward the chair beside the doctor's desk. Before she left she slipped a file into the holder on the door -- my file. For what had seemed like an eternity to me, my life had revolved around the contents of that file. For many months now, those slips of paper, the notes, the test results, the diagnoses were all but forgotten. My life had begun to revolve around other things; more important things -- things I had always wanted. For the past two days I had tried to ignore the possibility that this file might start to play a pivotal role in my life again. Only it wasn't just my life anymore.
Mulder had never understood why I had pushed him away during my battle. I hadn't wanted to drag him into it with me. I thought he couldn't be a source of strength for me if he was weighed down by my problems, but all I succeeded in doing was creating a rift between us. He'd felt that I didn't love him or trust him enough to share my pain with him.
Down the hall I heard a door close. The sound triggered something and in my mind's eye I saw Mulder leaving the house and the door closing behind him. Had he left, or had I pushed him away again?
A rustling noise stirred me out of my reverie and I looked up to see Dr. Zuckerman looking at the name on my file.
"Dana -- it's Mulder now?" he smiled at me.
"Yes," I smiled.
"Isn't that the name of your partner?" he put the file on his desk as he sat down.
"One and the same," I felt myself blushing.
"Well, congratulations," he reached out to shake my hand.
"Thank you," my blush was full blown.
"What brings you here today, Dana?" he opened up my file.
"Well it started Saturday morning. I woke up very nauseous and then I vomited. After I was able to eat something I felt fine for the rest of the day. Then again yesterday morning I felt queasy, but it went away when I had something to eat. Last night I thought maybe I should eat before I went to bed, but that didn't work," I gave him my recent history.
"You vomited again this morning?" he began to jot some notes. "Yes," I nodded.
"And how was your health before that?"
"Fine," I turned my hands palms up. "Almost perfect, no headaches, good appetite, my strength and endurance were fine, no problems sleeping, well after Megan started sleeping through the night."
"Megan?" he repeated, looking up from his notes.
"It's a long story," I smiled, "but Mulder and I became legal guardians to two beautiful children."
"That's wonderful, Dana," he smiled broadly. "Now, I'm sure all that's going on here is some kind of virus, but I'll run some tests just to make sure."
"Thank you," I relaxed back into my chair.
"Just take this requisition to the lab at the end of the hall. When you're done you can come back here to wait. That way we can get this all sorted out ASAP," he spoke as he filled out the form. "I'll come back to see you when I get the results back."
In less than five minutes I had my sleeves rolled up and a tourniquet on my arm. Before she started to draw my blood the nurse took another look at my requisition form.
"You look familiar," she commented as she put the form down and picked up an alcohol swab. "But not the name," she furrowed her brow.
"I've been here before," I watched as she cleaned off my arm. "But my name was Scully."
"Scully...Dana Scully, oh that's right," she uncapped the syringe. "You're the one with the guy."
"The guy?" I laughed as she loosened the tourniquet. I hadn't even felt the needle go in.
"Yeah, all the girls at the hospital talked about him for months," she grinned down at me.
"They did?" I assumed she was referring to Mulder.
"Yeah," she popped out another vial, I was starting to lose track. I'd seen the lavender CBC vial, the red and black CMP vial, and the undifferentiated tumor panel vial, but I may have missed a vial. "When you were in the hospital, he was there almost all the time. They said he was like two different people."
"Two different people?" I wasn't following her.
"Well, when you were awake he was smiling or giving the nurses and doctors a hard time," she began.
"That sounds like Mulder," I laughed.
"But when you were sleeping, he wouldn't leave your side. Apparently one night he cried himself to sleep at your bedside," she smiled down at me.
"Yeah?" I bit my lip and blinked rapidly.
"You married him, huh?" she smiled as she exchanged yet another vial.
"I did," I managed to smile.
"He sounds like a keeper," she grinned. "You're all done."
"Thanks, Annette," I checked out her nametag.
"Oh, you're very welcome, Dana, and give that hubby of yours a big squeeze for me," she bandaged my arm and folded it back.
As I walked slowly back to the examination room my heart was breaking. I couldn't believe what I'd done to Mulder. All he wanted was for me to be happy. That was all he'd ever wanted. In the past I wouldn't let him get close enough to help me. I'd ignored what it might be doing to him. And here I was doing it again. In an instant I knew what I had to do. I needed him to be with me. I reached into my pocket for my cell phone. As I opened it and pressed #1 on my speed dial the phone went blurry.
The next thing I knew I was back in the exam room, lying on my side on the exam table. There was a cold cloth on my neck.
"How are you feeling, Dana?" an unfamiliar voice asked.
"A little woozy," I tried to sit up.
"You need to lay down a little longer," I felt a hand on my shoulder. "You're still a little pale."
"What happened?" I asked the voice.
"You fainted," she informed me. "It happens sometimes after you give so much blood."
'Not to me,' I thought to myself, but I didn't say that. "Where's my phone?"
"Never mind that right now, dear. You need to rest."
"I need to call my husband," I tried to explain.
"No, you need to rest," she patted my arm.
Deciding it would be in my best interest, I closed my mouth and bided my time. I wanted Mulder here immediately, but it wouldn't be long before I'd be allowed to sit up. I closed my eyes, took deep breaths and willed my blood pressure to rise. Sure enough, in five minutes, I was allowed to sit up. My head was still spinning a little, but I still managed to read my nursemaid's nametag.
"Do you still need your husband, dear?," Jean smiled patronizingly at me. "I'll get your phone if you like."
"Yes, thank you," I forced myself to be polite.
As I was about to dial again, I heard a loud voice coming from the waiting room.
"She was trying to call me! Someone here told me she fainted. Where is she?" We both turned toward the sound.
"That's him," I smiled at Jean and started to slide down from the table.
"No!" Jean spoke sharply, pointing me back onto the table with her finger. "That's who?"
"My husband," I explained as I slid backwards.
"How hard can she be to find? I can start opening doors myself if that makes it easier for you!" the ranting continued.
"That man bellowing at the front desk?" her eyes widened.
"Yeah," I admitted, trying to hold my smile back.
Jean sighed, stood up and walked to the door. "The name's Mulder?" she looked back at me. I nodded my head vigorously, making it swim a little. "She's here, Mr. Mulder," Jean leaned her head out into the hallway.
I saw Jean's eyes widen and she suddenly flattened herself against the door. In a matter a seconds the doorway darkened and Mulder came flying into the room.
"Scully," he panted when he saw me. "Are you okay?"
"She's fine, Mr. Mulder," Jean interjected. "She fainted after we drew some blood -- not uncommon."
Mulder barely acknowledged her presence, merely flicking a glance at her after she spoke. "Scully?"
I opened my mouth to try to tell him I was fine, but no sound came out. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I held my arms out to him. When he gathered me into his arms I finally found my voice.
"I'm sorry, Mulder," my voice was muffled by his chest.
"Sorry? Why? What's happened?" he pulled back slightly to look at me.
"Nothing," I sniffed. "I mean, I don't know anything yet."
"Then what are you talking about?" his hands were cupping my face; his thumbs caressing my cheeks as he brushed away my tears.
"I didn't know," I tried to shake my head in his hands. "I didn't realize -- I was so selfish," more tears began to slide down my cheeks.
"Didn't know what?" his voice was gentle.
"I never thought about how my shutting you out might be affecting you -- how it might have affected you. I was too concerned about myself to see what I was doing to you," I tried to explain.
"Scully, you have to deal with this in your own way. It's okay. I understand," he leaned over and kissed my forehead.
"No, it's not okay," my voice caught in my throat. "It was just like the last time."
"What do you mean?" he looked troubled.
"When I was sick before, I pushed you away because -- because," I couldn't get the words out.
"Shh," Mulder pulled me close again.
"No, Mulder, I need to tell you," I drew a shaky breath. "You deserve to know."
"What do I deserve to know?" he almost looked frightened.
"The reason I pushed you away," I looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes. "I was afraid, Mulder, -- afraid that if I let you get too close, you'd find out."
"Find out?" he lifted my chin with his finger. His eyes held nothing but love when they met mine.
"I was afraid you'd find out that I loved you," I confessed.
"What would have been wrong with that?" he smiled at me.
"Think about it, Mulder. What if you hadn't returned my feelings? What would you have done? Would you have said 'Sorry babe, I know you're dying, but I don't feel the same way about you'?"
"Of course not!" he huffed.
"No, of course not," I nodded. "So how would I have known if your feelings were genuine? I wanted you to love me, Mulder, but I certainly did not want your pity."
"That's all in past, Scully," he reminded me gently.
"But what if it's not, Mulder? The slightest hint that I might be sick and I start to push you away? How could I have done that to you? I know you love me and just want to protect me, but I couldn't stop myself from internalizing everything."
"It's a defense mechanism, Scully," he tried to rationalize.
"I don't want to shut you out, Mulder. I need you. I asked you not to come here with me and then I needed you," my tears started up again. "I want you here with me."
"Scully, I wanted to be here with you so badly, but it had to be your decision. I needed you to want me here," his voice broke.
"Mulder, I am so sorry," I clutched at him. "I do want you here. I'm still not used to the fact that I'm allowed to want you."
He said nothing. Instead he began to place feathery soft kisses on my lips. I easily became lost in the sensation of his mouth on mine; so lost that I forgot where we were until I heard the sound of a throat being cleared.
"Sorry," I pulled back.
"Mr. Mulder," Dr. Zuckerman extended his hand to Mulder when he turned around. "I hear you've acquainted yourself with my receptionist."
"Sorry about that," Mulder hung his head.
"I understand that you were concerned about your wife. Why don't you both have a seat?" he pointed toward the chairs by his desk. "The first test results are back," he held up my file.
After we took our seats, I reached for Mulder's hand. He took it immediately and gave it a squeeze. When I turned to look at him, he smiled softly and winked. I tightened my grip on his hand and turned back to face the doctor. He had opened my file and was looking at the test results. Initially he was smiling as he read, but then his brow furrowed and my stomach fell. I felt Mulder's hand clench around mine. He'd seen it too.
"I'm sorry," Dr. Zuckerman's voice was tight. "There's been a mix up at the lab."
"What?" I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly.
"They've sent me the wrong results," he shook his head, his lips pressed tightly together. "I'll be right back." He got up and walked briskly out of his office.
"What does that mean?" Mulder sounded lost.
"Either they did the wrong tests, which I doubt -- the tubes are all color-coded to test, or they sent someone else's results with my name attached to them," I explained.
"Oh," he nodded slowly. "How could he tell that?"
"A result that was obviously not mine, like elevated cardiac enzymes or something similar," I turned in my chair to face him.
"Ahh," he nodded, although I could tell he still had no idea what I was talking about.
Suddenly a sound from the adjacent office made Mulder and I stare at each other. We could hear Dr. Zuckerman's voice through the wall and he was not happy. I couldn't make out everything he was saying, but I heard the phrase 'gross misconduct' and a few seconds later I distinctly heard him say 'stat'. There was a few seconds of silence before I heard the words 'chain of custody'. After that we only heard the normal background sounds of an office.
"Sounds like someone got a new one ripped," Mulder leaned over to whisper in my ear.
"I'll say," I had to chuckle.
I was still smiling when Dr. Zuckerman came back into the office.
"Now, Dana," he sat down again, "Unfortunately we'll have to draw the blood again."
"What?" Mulder yelped and dropped my hand. "Last time you drew blood, she fainted. Why can't you use the blood she already gave you?"
"Two reasons, Mr. Mulder," Dr. Zuckerman began patiently, "First, the original samples were exhausted by the first tests we ran in most cases. And second, I still couldn't be sure they had the right blood."
"It's okay, Mulder," I patted his arm. "I'll be fine."
"We can do it here," Dr. Zuckerman added. "Dana can stay on the exam table. It's that or she comes back tomorrow."
"Mulder, it's less blood than when you donate. I'll be fine and besides, you're here now," I smiled at him.
"All right," he chuckled and relaxed back into his chair.
"I'll go get Annette," Dr. Zuckerman smiled.
Once Dr. Zuckerman had left the office I stood up to walk over to the exam table. Before I could take a step, Mulder reached for my hand.
"Hey," he smiled up at me. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"
"If I don't try to get up too quickly, I'll be fine. My blood pressure plummeted, that's all," I tried to reassure him.
As I was scooting back up onto the exam table, Annette walked into the room with her basket of goodies.
"Hi again," she smiled at me. "Sorry about that screw up at the lab. That's really weird, they're usually so good."
"It happens," I shrugged with a smile.
"Oh, hello," Annette completely ignored me when Mulder stood up. "Are you Mr. Mulder?"
"Yes," he extended his hand to shake her gloved one.
"Oops," she peeled off her glove to shake his hand. "I thought that must have been you earlier."
"Your reputation precedes you," I laughed when I saw the look of shock on his face.
After Annette put a fresh glove on she proceeded to prep my arm again while telling Mulder everything she'd heard about him.
"I don't know if I should feel honored or totally humiliated," Mulder shook his head.
"You're such a cutie," Annette giggled at him. "He doesn't know how cute he is, does he?" she turned to me.
"No, he doesn't," I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. "Do you, sweetie?" I grinned at him.
"I'll go with the humiliation," he gave us a forced smile at us and went back to his chair.
"Ooo, he's even cuter when he pouts," Annette laughed. "There we go! All done," she chirped. "It was nice to meet you, Mr. Mulder."
"I'm a cutie?" Mulder wrinkled his nose when Annette had left the room.
"Well, I think so, but I may be a little biased," I winked at him.
"You don't think I'm devastatingly handsome?" he frowned.
"C'mere, Mulder," I crooked my finger at him.
"What?" he looked at me askance, still pouting.
"Just c'mere," I smiled.
He took his sweet time sauntering over to me, but when he was finally within my reach, I grabbed his tie and pulled him into a kiss.
"What's wrong with cute?" I asked when I'd freed his lips.
"Nothing, I guess," he shrugged.
"Right then, Mulder you were cute. Earlier when you came barreling in here you were a knight in shining armor," I smiled as he puffed up at my comment. "Last night in bed you were a hunk," I lowered my voice. "All of those things make you devastatingly handsome in my eyes."
"Mmm," he pressed another kiss against my lips. When he pulled back, I thought he was going to say something, but he simply rested his forehead against mine.
"What's the matter, Mulder," I ran my hand up and down his arm. "I really do think you're very handsome."
"Thank you, Scully," he chuckled, "but it's not that."
"Then what?" I rubbed my nose against his.
"It's what we were talking about earlier. There's something I should tell you," he straightened up.
"Okay," I looked up at him, not sure what to expect.
"You know I've been in love with you forever," he began, warming me to my toes. "I kept waiting for the perfect time to tell you, but, well -- then you got sick."
"It's okay," I reached for his hand again.
"I want to tell you, please, Scully," he pleaded with his eyes.
"Okay," I whispered.
"Okay," he took a long breath. "I was so angry when you got sick. Angry at the men who had done this to you. Angry at the doctors who couldn't do anything for you. Angry at you for pushing me away. Angry at myself for being angry with you," he shook his head.
"Mulder, it's okay. It's all part of the grieving process," I tried to soothe him.
"You weren't dead!" I couldn't tell whether he was angry or grieving again.
"It's possible to grieve for the living, Mulder. And I was dying -- it was a natural reaction."
"I hated myself for it," he squeezed his eyes shut. "And I hated myself for being such a coward. The woman I loved was going to die and I'd never had the balls to tell her how I really felt."
"Mulder, look at me," I reached up to caress his cheek and waited for him to open his eyes. "We both made mistakes in the past, but we were given a second chance. Do you know how precious that is? I don't intend to squander it and I certainly don't want to waste any more of it worrying about things that are in the past. Let's take this gift and move forward."
"Look at me," he shook his head. "I'm supposed to be here to help you and you end up comforting me. No wonder you didn't want me here."
"Mulder, this is a two way street. It's not only about me -- it's about us. I thought we were in this together. If you are still fighting demons from the past how can you help me now?"
"You're right, Scully, we are in this together, but I should be thinking about you right now, not about myself," he sighed.
"Mulder -- " I began.
"Scully," he cut me off. "We're thinking about you now, okay?"
"Okay," I grinned. "And what are we thinking?"
"I'm not sure. You may always know what's going on in my mind, but I haven't got the hang of that yet, so help me out a little. What can I do for you?"
"Do for me? Nothing -- I'm fine," I waved him off.
"C'mon, Scully, there has to be something," his shoulders sagged.
"Not really," I didn't know what to tell him.
"Look, Scully, I'm trying my best to do the doting husband thing here, but you aren't helping me much," he sounded exasperated.
"Well," I gnawed on my lip as I thought. "I did notice a vending machine in the lobby. I'm a little thirsty after two rounds of bloodwork. Could you get me an orange juice?"
"I am so there," he grinned at me. "I'll be right back."
After Mulder left the room, happy to have been given a task, I leaned my head back against the wall. I was still feeling a bit woozy even though I hadn't moved after Annette had taken my blood. The orange juice would give me sugar and rehydrate me at the same time. When Mulder brought it back, he hopped up on the table and sat beside me while I drank it.
When I finished, he took the empty bottle and put it in the waste can.
"You're looking better," he smiled as he walked back.
"I feel better," I sighed. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he snuggled a little closer to me.
I was about to lean over and give him another kiss when Dr. Zuckerman strode into the room with my file in his hand. He looked mildly surprised to see both of us on the exam table.
"I'm glad you're both sitting down," he began.
I'd been feeling happy and content mere seconds before, but his words quashed those feelings in nothing flat.
"I got your tests back, and -- what can I say? The lab was right the first time. I didn't believe it. I thought it had to be a mistake. That's why I made them rerun the tests," he shook his head in amazement.
"What?" Mulder was twitching beside me. "What's wrong?"
I'd closed my eyes. I was hoping beyond hope that it was just a flu bug. But my heart had begun to race and my stomach was tied in a million knots. Part of me didn't want to hear what he was going to say and the other part just wanted it over with.
"Congratulations!" he sounded jubilant, making my eyes fly open. "You're going to have a baby!"
end chapter 11